Tears Can Set You Free.

The sound of fans and packaging tape reach my ears this summer morning as my family and I prepare to move. Next weekend we will be leaving this house and renting a smaller one, much more fit for all our life changes. I'm excited to move in many ways, but in others I hate that time moves onward. I wish it could all just stand still for a moment, just for a moment. The atmosphere here can cut me into pieces sometimes. We've been in this house five years. I remember when my parents first bought it. They would come frequently to look at as it was being built. Its a beautiful house, with the backside facing the mountain- such privacy. My parents loved it. They finally had the big house they wanted. It was my dad's first two-story house ever. We all loved it. Now five years later we are moving, and the new house we are renting isn't as big, but its just what we need. My dad can't walk up and down those stairs anymore, and frankly I don't want to either! The stress level seems to be the only constant lately and I find myself treading to keep my head above the water.
Life is beautiful. Its beautiful and its miserable. There is so much pain, yet so much happiness. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far is to see my dad suffer. Here's a man who my whole life I've loved deeply. I see the effects of cancer in him a little more everyday and it haunts me.
But there are blessings even in the most evil of things. I've never seen such peace in my dad. I know he's in pain, but he's still that most loving and gentle man I've ever known. He has taught me so much and given me so much strength. I know my brothers and I couldn't of asked for a better man to be our dad. Even in this life-changing and often fearful time, my dad continues to amaze me with his faith and love. I wish I could take all his pain away, and make him better in an instant. And that is something I continue to struggle with everyday.
Its the tears that set me free. I can hold everything in and appear so strong- something I want to do for my mom, but after awhile you just can't hold on to all the emotion anymore. I tend to fell lonley at times, and I try to hold back the anger. In reality anger is really a hostile sadness that lashes out when you can't wrap your head around something.
Sometimes a good cry is just what you need and just what the doctor ordered. But most of all God's love is what I need, and just what I've been running from latley. I blame it all on fear.
Scratch that, I blame myself.
I may not be the most perfect person. I make mistakes, do stupid things and say stupid things. I may not be the perfect friend, and I often do things people don't understand. But I'm grateful for God's grace and love. Its the only thing that keeps me going and gives me strength <3

Love Behind the Scenes.

It’s moments like these that I realize life is so much more than problems and hard times. I realize it’s more than wondering what’s coming next or worrying about tomorrow. As I’m in the kitchen trying out my newest experiment off the food network, I gaze outside and see two people I’ve underestimated almost my entire life. They sit there on the swing looking out over our backyard as the dogs play and laze around them. Its been over twenty five years since they met and they still enjoy each others company. His hair is a little grayer and time has aged their looks, but they are still two people who changed each other’s lives. My parents worked hard all their life to give me a better future and here I sit twenty four years old- out of college still working in retail. But even though this is true I know I’m not a disappointment to them. I always thought they could have been different or our lives could have been better growing up. I had always thought that I never wanted to turn out like them. I didn’t think their lives were exciting or full of passion. But as I look out the kitchen window and see how they’ve pulled through each obstacle of life together I realize I would be darn lucky to have what they have. They both worked full time, without degrees my entire childhood and never once did I go with out anything. And as the news of my dad’s cancer hit us all back in February we all began to reexamine our lives. I can only wonder how he feels sometimes. I wonder how she feels. About a month ago, mom and I went to pick up pizzas and outside we saw this very old couple walking to their car. Both had canes and moved as fast as snails. My mother commented on them and smiled, but then she said, “I might not have my love that long.” I quickly shot down her comment, but till this day I think about those words and what our world would be like without him. And when I look at them out there on that swing I know they have something special.

Wishes and Dreams

I sometimes pretend I'm in a different place.

Not too far away from home, but just far enough to be free and lost in a different world.

When I was younger, I saw life from a different perspective. I thought differently and wanted different things. I find it so crazy that as an adult the worries of money and future creep in more and more with each passing day. I know when I'm lost in my imagination I feel like I'm flying and I'm on my own high that I can't explain to anyone.

Music helps take me to these places much faster and I just get lost in all the beautiful fantasies that help me see a better version of myself. Maybe that is why I dream so many different realities and find such satisfaction in these moments.

In my dreams I'm this confident woman that is smart and clever. I can do things that otherwise in reality I find impossible. I'm the heroine in every scene. I live and breathe different air that fills my lungs with this magical atmosphere that gives me strength.

I find it hard to pick a profession. In some ways I just wish something would just fall into my lap. I wish God would just say "Here you go! This is what you are going to do for the rest of your life." But honestly where is the fun in that? I guess I lack patience. I lack a lot of things I'm learning, but I try not to let that keep me down.

Maybe I just need to find the excitement in reality. It seems we don't do that enough as people. So many people go through life earning a living and we fail to see the joy in the small things. I know I've probably written about such things in the past, but it seems to be constantly on my mind the past two years. I jump from one passion to another- if I was even passionate about anything in the first place. I find myself to be quite lazy most of the time. And maybe thats the deep problem right there.

I'm thankful God is always there. He brings me peace that I can't find anywhere else.

Settle Not

Its 2010 already.

Life is flying by right before my eyes. Its easy to find yourself stuck when you are lazy, and that's what I truly am- lazy. I mean what am I really doing with my life? I'm a 24 year old college graduate with a degree in Art History, living with my parents and working part-time at a craft store down the street. I don't exactly portray the picture of the "American Dream" in any form. But what if I really don't want to conform to the American Dream? What if I want something different? I'm too lazy to even find out what different would be.

No, I'm stuck here because some sick part of me is comfortable with the place I've settled in my life. Yet there is another part of me twisting and turning to get out of this confined space I've shoved myself into. Its screaming to get out. All the while the comfortable side of me shuts it out and pushes it back because working hard isn't the most convenient thing to do at any moment. Its really quite sad when I think about it.

I keep flip flopping inside myself. I've always loved to write. There has always been this escape I feel when the words come flowing out of me, but my mind is very scattered and to even complete something meaningful would be a big task in itself. You can imagine what the comfortable side of me is saying right now. And though my comfortable side has a point, I fear it will only lead me to an unfulfilled life of always looking back and never being truly satisfied.

We all have to start somewhere. I can no longer be so ignorant about so many things. I've always found it easier to sail through life that way, but no can do any more. I'm sick of being confused and bamboozled by my own laziness. Its time for it to stop.

Now how do I get this show on the road?

Learning

I wrote this a while ago...July 2009 to be exact.

I can’t let my emotions run away with my desires. I ask the Lord to keep me grounded with all that’s going on. My heart aches and goes back and forth and sometimes in circles because I question if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know the future, and every second is a new feeling, but I’m believing and holding on to faith. Though the world may say its impossible or that I’m wasting my time, I know God has a bigger plan. I just need to keep asking him for guidance and strength. I need to keep seeking his will. Apart of me hopes and dreams for things that are far off and in a way it saddens me because I wish things were different. But I’m learning there’s a reason to all this. There’s a reason to these feelings and these situations that build up to something greater that God has planned. And though it may hurt right now and I may be lost in confusion at times, I just need to hold on and trust in Him. No matter what happens I can’t lose faith because I know the Spirit is always working. He never stops. Maybe I’m foolish and maybe I’m crazy, but I know in my heart that God is powerful. I know he works for our good and wants us to be close to Him. I am convinced that I will see great things. Though things may fall apart all around me, and just when it seems like things are only getting worse, I know that if I just hold on a little tighter and trust a littler harder I will see the goodness of God. I can’t let go in the middle of the storm. I can’t stand down just when the winds start to get stronger. I need to stand firm. I can’t back down yet. I don’t want to give up… I know God can do impossible things. Even now he is working.

Life from May to August

Today is May 27, 2009.
This year has started off pretty challenging. It actually started in 2008, but 2009 is bearing a lot of the trials. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple months. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything by any means, and I am still learning so much day by day. I’ve been a disciple for 5 years and every year brings new challenges and new changes. Everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has a different story. What I’m learning is throughout my journey and walk with God, the simplest things seem revolutionary to me. It takes me a while to grasp and realize certain things. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but sometimes I can turn the simplest things into the hardest things.
My first dating relationship as a disciple was very exciting at first but later I found it wasn’t really focused on God. Looking back on the mistakes we made and just how we weren’t ready for that kind of relationship helps me realize the importance of where my heart is at with God. Where is my heart?
I’m often the kind of person who puts off having my time with God. I would say “I’ll make time later” when later would never happen. Or I’d pray, but the passion in my prayers was fading and my heart wasn’t connecting.
I think that’s why God put me through all these emotional trials. At first it all seemed very overwhelming, but as I look back I see how God used that time for me to seek him out and run to him. I wasn’t doing that before. I was complacent in my life. I wasn’t growing or even standing still. I was falling backwards.
When my dating relationship ended in December of 2008 it was actually a good feeling for both of us. Our relationship was only hurting us spiritually. We had fallen into sin and the guilt of that was tearing our insides apart. I could feel the tension between us. We were drowning out the Spirit’s calls with Satan’s lies. That was the first time sin affected me physically. The guilt of not being open with my sin made me lose my appetite and I lost 5 pounds in one week. The Spirit was wrestling inside me. The night we broke up was an intense night. He almost left the fellowship that night. Looking back it was God that humbled his heart. I pleaded with him, probably even raised my voice at him, asking him to call the brothers. When he finally did that’s when he finally broke down. God humbled both of us that night.
And to my amazement, it wasn’t a sad breakup. It brought us peace in our hearts because we were ready to repent.
The storm only starts there.
I was really in love with him too. From the very beginning we fit so well, but there was still a lot of growing we both had to do spiritually.
In February of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was in stage four and it had spread to his lungs. Talk about a shock to my family. I always hear about people having loved ones with cancer, but it’s a different experience when it’s someone close to you. I remember the day we knew it was cancer. It wasn’t confirmed, but we just knew. I remember calling my brother and when he answered the phone I couldn’t talk I just started to cry. I had to hang up. He called me back right away, very confused on why I had just hung up on him. I told him holding back tears. I asked him if he could call our older brother Josh- he was on the other side of the country at the time. He had just gotten back from Iraq and later I would find he was suffering from his own demons of war.
We were all so scared, but my dad was never hopeless and I’m very grateful for that. They scheduled a surgery for his kidney to be removed in early March. We were all waiting in anticipation for that day.
Things started to get harder when Bryan started to act differently. We still had feelings for each other but had agreed on being friends until we both were spiritually ready to take on a godly relationship. He was going through his own troubles and when he reached out to me I didn’t know how to help him. He would call me in the middle of the night or very early in the morning telling me things at the time I didn’t know how to handle. I started to watch him drift away from the fellowship slowly and a bitterness rise in his heart. The same week of the surgery was the same week Bryan left. I broke down. Bryan was going through his own struggles and because the circumstances and situations involved other people, it was wise that we shouldn’t contact him.
I remember crying hysterically in my car one afternoon. They sent me home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I checked my email everyday from some kind of contact from Bryan. My dad had just come home from the hospital and was still very weak and sick. I thought “Why is this all happening? Why all at once?” I remember praying to God everyday with tears for both Bryan and my dad. As time when on I only became more depressed and I found myself not talking to God as much. I was slowly starting to become bitter. Bryan did end up contacting me, but every time I talked to him I didn’t understand whey he had gone and we only frustrated each other.
Apart of me still was hoping to one day be with him. I had to let that go. Once I let that go, that’s when I started to see God working.
(August 21, 2009)
And now five months later I’m still waiting to see what is going to happen. My dad is doing treatment for his lungs and we won’t fully know if he’s really healing for another month or two. He has had the most incredible attitude though. He jokes a lot but always says he’s going to beat this thing. I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to go back to that job that used to stress him out so much. I almost cried one day when he told me he was going to see his grandkids one day and that he had to walk me down the aisle. Those where thoughts that ran through my mind more than once and I couldn’t imagine those moments without him. It’s hard to think that others have lost ones so close to them. In fact this year- two of my good friends lost both their dads to cancer- and my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine the pain and the emotions.
Bryan is growing and things are slowly getting better. He’s finding his own and God is showing him so much. We talk more now that time has gone by. I’ve learned these past few months that all I can do is trust in God and He will take care of him. I just need to take myself out of the situations sometimes to really let God work. Sometimes I get scared when things start to go good because in a second it could get bad again. But I can’t worry about that. Bryan’s on his own journey and so is my dad. Prayer is more powerful than anything I can do or say. And in the end, they both teach me things I never knew. I end up being the one that learns and they become the teachers- whether they know it or not.

Just felt like writing.

Sometimes I stay up late and do absolutely nothing. Last night I stayed up late and watched an old movie I haven't seen in a long time. It made me happy. It gave me a feeling of nostalga that took me back to days of summer when school was out and I could feel the night breeze as I watched the tv in black and white.
Lately its hard finding those truely happy exciting moments. Funny how they come out of things you don't expect. Even songs that you haven't heard in a long time can remind you of how you used to be or how you used to feel. Sometimes I think it's God's little remiders telling me not to worry so much. And boy do I worry. I'm offically an adult.
When I was younger I didn't understand what everyone older was freaking out about. I found joy in so many things. I didn't have to go looking for fun, I could just make it out of thin air. But I guess thats life huh? The older you get the crazier you become and the more worries you aquire. Well no thank you!
No wonder all those boys went to Never Never Land in Peter Pan. I'm not even old but worrying makes me feel old. And as I listen to these old songs I feel like I want to just go dance and not even care who is watching- To just be happy in the moment. Just run in the street and sing at the top of my lungs and spin in cirlces till I fall down. I wish I had the courage.
I have too many stories in my head and everytime I think of one its like a movie preview that plays in my head. I have the perfect song for each and these scenes keep replaying in my head over and over again. And there always seems to be this girl. Maybe this girl I imagine in my mind is who I really want to be. Carefree and crazy. And at one point maybe I was her, that is until I fell into this carvern called reality that horribily handicaps me. But even before it was never perfect. I want to start living carefree and crazy again-but not to the extreme of course. I just want to live in a land where those moments aren't so far off and laughter isn't so silent. I don't think this place is so far off. It might be hard locating once in a while but life's happy moments are everywhere- even in the midst of storms they prevail.
And to quote the beautifuly talented Adele, "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" Well Adele, I'm just gonna keep chasing those pavements no matter where they lead, because with God, they'll always lead somewhere....