Dear Daddy,

I realized I haven't written a letter to you in quite a while. Today is the day before Thanksgiving, and it's been over three years since you left us for heaven. I still can't believe it's been three years. Sometimes I still think you're upstairs in the office playing games or doing homework. I can still hear the sound of your voice and the way you laugh in my head. When I remember your voice it soothes me. I don't think about it too much, but I never want to forget it. I start to think about you a lot when the holidays come. Christmas was our favorite time of year. We would always go search for the biggest tree on the lot! I remember you always wore those flannel shirts and that big bomber jacket around this time of year.

Last year I had a really hard time missing you. I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And maybe I always feel like that. Since you died, I've felt a piece of my heart go missing. It's just not the same without you.

I got married last year. I would have given anything for you to walk me down that aisle. I put your picture and your wedding ring on my bouquet. I wished I could have danced with you that day. I wish you could of held mom's hand and been there for her as she watched her baby girl get married. I know she misses you so much.

Life is going pretty good though. I got a job at Kaiser (yes I finally got out of Michaels!) and I feel like my life is really starting to take off. Bryan is finishing up his degree online (reminds me of you in that way) and I know soon we will get a place of our own. I think you would like the church we go to now too. It's called Sandals and Bryan and I love it. We have made some really good friends there and I think you would like the sermons.

I am really happy daddy. I have such a wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me. You would be proud of your son in law. We have a puppy, his name is Gruff. He is kind of crazy, but I think you would like him. Your daughter is finally growing up and living her life.

Thank you for always loving me. You were such a great dad to all of us. I think that's why it hurts so much not having you here. You were pretty awesome. Thank you for teaching me so much. When I have kids of my own, I can't wait to tell them about you. I know you would of made an awesome grandpa someday.

Happy Thanksgiving Daddy. I miss you always and I love you forever. 

Newlywed Revelations

Hello world. It's been awhile since I let my fingers take over this keyboard.  Been far too long. As I sit here and think about what I want to write about I find myself at a loss for words. It's funny because this morning I had paragraphs floating around in my head. Alas, at the end of the day, I remember very little about the thoughts I wanted to jot down on paper.
Figures. Sometimes I feel stupid writing my thoughts to be honest. Why would anyone care what I have to say about anything? I write so I can get all these crazy emotions out and carry on in life like a normal person. I don't think anyone is really normal though.
Right now I'm sitting next to my husband as he plays some sort of video game where they are yelling German and shooting at each other. (He says it relaxes him.) Just watching him play is stressing me out. This is why I felt like this was the best time to write. I haven't written in this blog in over year. Seems like the trend I've started for myself. So much has happened these past few years. I think my mind is struggling to grasp everything.  I'm a married woman now. Crazy to think about.  And though marriage is wonderful in so many ways, there are definitely hardships to overcome. I like to quote Maroon 5 here: "Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves is along." You don't know how right you are Adam Levine.

I think marriage is the slow and painful death of your selfishness. Now that may sound harsh, but honestly its true. I don't think I realized how truly selfish I was until Bryan and I moved in together. It may just be little things at times, but sometimes bigger issues are thrown in there. These past five months have definitely been eye opening. I find myself learning to love in ways that are hard but so fulfilling. And just when I thought Bryan and I have gone through almost everything, God surprises me with another learning experience. It is true what they say though- love grows everyday. There are some days I get so mad at him there are just no words. Then there are the other moments where I can just look at him sitting there and my heart swells with so much love I couldn't imagine life without him. Its in these moments I can feel my selfishness die a little more each day. Simply put he is my best friend. The more I see the more I love.

As far as life in general, I just want to run away sometimes. Life and responsibility are clouding my mind and sometimes I wish for the days when I still worked at Michaels part time. I really dislike my job at the bank. Yeah sure the money is better...barely. I think the thing I dislike most about it is the job itself. Selling loans and credit cards has never been my dream job. Don't get me wrong either, I am so grateful for this job. It provides for us and helped us get married last year. I know the job market has been so rough, but I am still praying for my dream job. Whatever job that maybe....ha! I'm 27 and still have a lot to figure out. Maybe I will always be a work in progress. My passions have always been all over the place. I think it's impossible for me to pick one thing. That's why I'm putting this in God's hands. I sure as heck can't figure out what to do with my life. Might as well let God take over. Its the whole being patient part that's hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and cry before work because I dread being stuck at the bank inside Walmart for years to come. I sound pretty pathetic huh? And sometimes I have to tell myself to suck it up and listen to God's voice because obviously there is a reason why I'm there.  To end this rant I would like to quote Downton Abby. Carson, the butler, but it perfectly when he said: "What would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us?"

I wrote this about a year ago...Dec 2010

The gentle kindness of a friend will never be forgotten. As I sit here in my living room, I am drinking a glass of red wine, a cup of coffee and water- quite the combination for my written word adventure that I have been longing to dive into for some time now. I think back to all the things that have happened this year and the majority of my feelings are tainted with grief and sadness. I lost my father this year. It seems with the busyness of my life I have forgotten him. I forget what he looks like, the sound of his voice, his laugh. In my busiest of moments, my mind races too fast for me to even comprehend sometimes. This Christmas was a non-stop whirlwind of things to do, places to go, and things to clean. I did not stop too much to think of my father, and Christmas was his favorite holiday. Maybe that is why it did not feel like Christmas this year. The hustle-bustle of the season, not to mention working in the retail world, never gave me the moments I wanted and probably needed to sit and reflect his memory. Now that my surrounding atmosphere has become still for the first time in weeks and I am finally in the quiet, my thoughts cannot help but float to him. I see his picture on the wall and remember he had the biggest smiles that only few photos ever captured. When he laughed, and I mean laughed, it was a sound that always made me smile. His presence in this house is deeply missed. I can still hear him telling my mother we need to get the tallest tree from the lot. I can still see him sitting in that ugly green reclining chair in the living room watching his football games and always rooting for the Chargers. In my moments of reflection I find I have not forgotten my father at all. His character and his love are so real to me even now that I sometimes think he is still upstairs in his office on his computer playing games. I think about my life and where it should go from here and my mind only scatters when I try to focus these days.
I left the church I had attended for six years only two months before my father died. From the time I was eighteen to twenty four my life revolved around my dedication to God and church. I’ve always been attracted to the idea of God. Throughout my entire life I have always felt something call me toward Him. When I finally sat down and studied the bible I was blown away because I knew there was so much I was missing. I am very grateful for those who took the time to show me the scriptures. Over the past six years I’ve made many friends from this spiritual standpoint. Some friendships faded quickly, while others are still strong under fire today. I have just always had a mentality that I would never be good enough for anything. Even when I attended church I was never a strong personality. I tended to just do what certain people said. Maybe these hard times are the opportunity I need to really find out who I am. It’s just another path, leading to another journey. Maybe God is helping me find my strength through all this. Maybe I just need to pay attention more. The true measure of strength is determined in the darkest of nights while we wait for dawns first light…

B positive.

I find it funny how I claim I love to write, yet the words in my head hardly ever get written on paper. I blame it on my laziness. Yes laziness the dreaded monster in my closest, that in recent years decided to come out of the closest, sit on the bed with me and convince me to eat chocolate and watch TV all day. Well maybe its not that bad...but it could get there.

I keep thinking what happened to my dreams?!? I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to make a difference. The ideas of how to do these things never seemed to enter my brain early on.
I find myself getting discouraged looking at my life and I feel like I haven't seen any tangible accomplishments. Sure I have my bachelors degree...in Art History. Don't get me wrong I fell in love with Art. I love museums, I love paintings, sculptures, all of it. Its fascinating to me. I love how all kinds of artists in all different eras can express their social, political and personal views through a form of expression that can be observed for centuries to come. It honestly amazes me. I know what your thinking, "Well Cassie why not work at a museum?" I'll pass. I love art, but honestly I don't want to spend the rest of my life talking about paintings.

I've always had this drive to work with people. I've always loved just interacting and helping people. I've also always loved to write. Writing has just always been an escape for me, but its something I've never thought about doing professionally.

This is where I can get so frustrated because there are just so many things I love to do I feel like I can't focus on one thing! I get so flustered with trying to do one thing that I switch gears and throw my focus onto another thing and that is when my mind starts to go round in circles. It's really quite irritating.

Then the emotions come out. I start to compare myself to other people who seem to have it all together. I begin to think I'm never going to do anything special with my life and I start to sulk. This lasts for a good couple of hours until I find a new idea and the cycle starts all over. Pretty pathetic huh?

Sometimes I just want to blame someone or something for my lack of focus! But as you the reader already know, (if you even got this far through my rant) there is no one to blame but myself.

The last time I wrote in my blog was a couple months after my dad died. Its almost been a year since he died and its in time like these I miss his wisdom the most. He just always had a way of calming me down and helping me see things clearly.

It was quite a special thing that happened today. In my moment of getting down after comparing myself to numerous people on facebook (which by the way no one should ever do!) I called my boyfriend Bryan and told him about my troubles. We've experienced the same struggles in a lot of areas as far as where life has taken us, and his wise words quoted from a Disney movie really lifted my heart. Yes he quoted a Disney movie, and not just any Disney movie, but one of my all time favorites, Mulan.

He said to me, "Cassie, you might not have it all together right now but Remember what the dad said to Mulan? He said "My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, this one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all."

Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. I don't have my life figured out right now and I'm still struggling with so many passions in my head. I just thought that quote was so amazing and Bryan seemed to say it at just the right time.

What really touched my heart was remembering that in the movie it was Mulan's dad that said this to her. In my heart I thought about my dad. Maybe this was God's way of relaying my dad's message through Bryan. He knew I needed to hear his words of wisdom <3

Dear Daddy

I wanted to write you a letter because writing is one of the things I really love to do and I need to let you know what a wonderful father you have been. Its been two months since you left for heaven and I just really miss you. Those first few weeks after you died there was so much going on that I didn't feel really emotional. We moved to the new house. I never got to see the inside with you, but you and mom did a great job finding a place. I fell in love with it right away. You should see all the spiders though...I actually have to be brave and kill them myself! It's been super scary, but I'm getting more courage. You know how mom and I both HATE spiders. I miss the days where I could just call you from your office and you would be my exterminator! The dogs love it too. (And don't worry I'm taking care of your kitties.) Mom and I are still getting used to it, but it just doesn't feel as safe without you here.
Everyone has helped us out so much Daddy. You would be so proud of your sons too. Josh helped fix some things around the house when we first moved in and he still comes over when he has time to check up on us. Justin has just been really sweet too. He's been willing to help mom out every time she calls him. He's really stepped up to help in so many ways. Tricia has been wonderful by letting us use her spider spray and just getting little things we needed.
Mama has had her good days and bad days. I can tell she really misses you a lot. Well, we all miss you a lot. All your friends have been so great I know its cause you were always a loyal and good friend.
I'm still waiting for V to come on TV cause that was the show we used to watch together. I really hope they didn't cancel it. I loved sharing things with you. I really think its cause of you I like history so much. I remember in the beginning of the year you got me to watch Babylon 5 with you. I didn't really get into it, but I loved that I could watch it with you late at night. I always felt special when you asked me to do things with you. Remember when we went to that archery place and we looked at bows? Too bad we never got to set up targets in the back yard like we said.
I don't think I realize how much I miss you until I'm in the car. At the house there are distractions and at work I don't have too much time to let my mind wander. It isn't until I'm in the car that I start to remember you. I know that may sound weird, but I think I want to forget you're gone. I want to forget you were sick and that I lost you. I want to forget it all. But when I turn the radio on and I drive my thoughts just float to you. There are so many songs that come on and remind me of you. I remember just how you were so patient with me, and you always wanted to make me feel better when I was sad. I could talk to you about almost anything. There was one time, in high school, you picked me up and I was telling you I felt insecure around some other kids. I remember you told me that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt- "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I remember that to this day.
I loved talking to you about God. I know we went back and forth on a lot of things, but towards the end you taught me so much. One memory I will always cherish was right after your surgery. It was the day after and I came to visit you. As soon as I walked into the room you were excited to see me. I remember you asked me to take out the bible and read you scriptures on hope. After I read a few you asked for my hand and then mom's hand and wanted to pray. It was the first time I heard you pray in my life. I will forever love that memory. You just showed me through all this that I shouldn't be scared because God will take care of us. You were just so humble after you found out about the cancer, and I was amazed until the day you passed at how you dealt with everything. I couldn't of asked for a better man to be my father.
I wish I could of given you more. I wish I could of taken you to all the historic battle grounds and sites before you died. I wish we could of gone to Disneyland one more time. I wish we could even watch one more episode of Babylon 5. I know that I was blessed with all the time God let me have with you. I look forward to those moments in the car when I remember you, even if it does make me cry. I love you Daddy.
<3 Cassie

Tears Can Set You Free.

The sound of fans and packaging tape reach my ears this summer morning as my family and I prepare to move. Next weekend we will be leaving this house and renting a smaller one, much more fit for all our life changes. I'm excited to move in many ways, but in others I hate that time moves onward. I wish it could all just stand still for a moment, just for a moment. The atmosphere here can cut me into pieces sometimes. We've been in this house five years. I remember when my parents first bought it. They would come frequently to look at as it was being built. Its a beautiful house, with the backside facing the mountain- such privacy. My parents loved it. They finally had the big house they wanted. It was my dad's first two-story house ever. We all loved it. Now five years later we are moving, and the new house we are renting isn't as big, but its just what we need. My dad can't walk up and down those stairs anymore, and frankly I don't want to either! The stress level seems to be the only constant lately and I find myself treading to keep my head above the water.
Life is beautiful. Its beautiful and its miserable. There is so much pain, yet so much happiness. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far is to see my dad suffer. Here's a man who my whole life I've loved deeply. I see the effects of cancer in him a little more everyday and it haunts me.
But there are blessings even in the most evil of things. I've never seen such peace in my dad. I know he's in pain, but he's still that most loving and gentle man I've ever known. He has taught me so much and given me so much strength. I know my brothers and I couldn't of asked for a better man to be our dad. Even in this life-changing and often fearful time, my dad continues to amaze me with his faith and love. I wish I could take all his pain away, and make him better in an instant. And that is something I continue to struggle with everyday.
Its the tears that set me free. I can hold everything in and appear so strong- something I want to do for my mom, but after awhile you just can't hold on to all the emotion anymore. I tend to fell lonley at times, and I try to hold back the anger. In reality anger is really a hostile sadness that lashes out when you can't wrap your head around something.
Sometimes a good cry is just what you need and just what the doctor ordered. But most of all God's love is what I need, and just what I've been running from latley. I blame it all on fear.
Scratch that, I blame myself.
I may not be the most perfect person. I make mistakes, do stupid things and say stupid things. I may not be the perfect friend, and I often do things people don't understand. But I'm grateful for God's grace and love. Its the only thing that keeps me going and gives me strength <3

Love Behind the Scenes.

It’s moments like these that I realize life is so much more than problems and hard times. I realize it’s more than wondering what’s coming next or worrying about tomorrow. As I’m in the kitchen trying out my newest experiment off the food network, I gaze outside and see two people I’ve underestimated almost my entire life. They sit there on the swing looking out over our backyard as the dogs play and laze around them. Its been over twenty five years since they met and they still enjoy each others company. His hair is a little grayer and time has aged their looks, but they are still two people who changed each other’s lives. My parents worked hard all their life to give me a better future and here I sit twenty four years old- out of college still working in retail. But even though this is true I know I’m not a disappointment to them. I always thought they could have been different or our lives could have been better growing up. I had always thought that I never wanted to turn out like them. I didn’t think their lives were exciting or full of passion. But as I look out the kitchen window and see how they’ve pulled through each obstacle of life together I realize I would be darn lucky to have what they have. They both worked full time, without degrees my entire childhood and never once did I go with out anything. And as the news of my dad’s cancer hit us all back in February we all began to reexamine our lives. I can only wonder how he feels sometimes. I wonder how she feels. About a month ago, mom and I went to pick up pizzas and outside we saw this very old couple walking to their car. Both had canes and moved as fast as snails. My mother commented on them and smiled, but then she said, “I might not have my love that long.” I quickly shot down her comment, but till this day I think about those words and what our world would be like without him. And when I look at them out there on that swing I know they have something special.

Wishes and Dreams

I sometimes pretend I'm in a different place.

Not too far away from home, but just far enough to be free and lost in a different world.

When I was younger, I saw life from a different perspective. I thought differently and wanted different things. I find it so crazy that as an adult the worries of money and future creep in more and more with each passing day. I know when I'm lost in my imagination I feel like I'm flying and I'm on my own high that I can't explain to anyone.

Music helps take me to these places much faster and I just get lost in all the beautiful fantasies that help me see a better version of myself. Maybe that is why I dream so many different realities and find such satisfaction in these moments.

In my dreams I'm this confident woman that is smart and clever. I can do things that otherwise in reality I find impossible. I'm the heroine in every scene. I live and breathe different air that fills my lungs with this magical atmosphere that gives me strength.

I find it hard to pick a profession. In some ways I just wish something would just fall into my lap. I wish God would just say "Here you go! This is what you are going to do for the rest of your life." But honestly where is the fun in that? I guess I lack patience. I lack a lot of things I'm learning, but I try not to let that keep me down.

Maybe I just need to find the excitement in reality. It seems we don't do that enough as people. So many people go through life earning a living and we fail to see the joy in the small things. I know I've probably written about such things in the past, but it seems to be constantly on my mind the past two years. I jump from one passion to another- if I was even passionate about anything in the first place. I find myself to be quite lazy most of the time. And maybe thats the deep problem right there.

I'm thankful God is always there. He brings me peace that I can't find anywhere else.

Settle Not

Its 2010 already.

Life is flying by right before my eyes. Its easy to find yourself stuck when you are lazy, and that's what I truly am- lazy. I mean what am I really doing with my life? I'm a 24 year old college graduate with a degree in Art History, living with my parents and working part-time at a craft store down the street. I don't exactly portray the picture of the "American Dream" in any form. But what if I really don't want to conform to the American Dream? What if I want something different? I'm too lazy to even find out what different would be.

No, I'm stuck here because some sick part of me is comfortable with the place I've settled in my life. Yet there is another part of me twisting and turning to get out of this confined space I've shoved myself into. Its screaming to get out. All the while the comfortable side of me shuts it out and pushes it back because working hard isn't the most convenient thing to do at any moment. Its really quite sad when I think about it.

I keep flip flopping inside myself. I've always loved to write. There has always been this escape I feel when the words come flowing out of me, but my mind is very scattered and to even complete something meaningful would be a big task in itself. You can imagine what the comfortable side of me is saying right now. And though my comfortable side has a point, I fear it will only lead me to an unfulfilled life of always looking back and never being truly satisfied.

We all have to start somewhere. I can no longer be so ignorant about so many things. I've always found it easier to sail through life that way, but no can do any more. I'm sick of being confused and bamboozled by my own laziness. Its time for it to stop.

Now how do I get this show on the road?

Learning

I wrote this a while ago...July 2009 to be exact.

I can’t let my emotions run away with my desires. I ask the Lord to keep me grounded with all that’s going on. My heart aches and goes back and forth and sometimes in circles because I question if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know the future, and every second is a new feeling, but I’m believing and holding on to faith. Though the world may say its impossible or that I’m wasting my time, I know God has a bigger plan. I just need to keep asking him for guidance and strength. I need to keep seeking his will. Apart of me hopes and dreams for things that are far off and in a way it saddens me because I wish things were different. But I’m learning there’s a reason to all this. There’s a reason to these feelings and these situations that build up to something greater that God has planned. And though it may hurt right now and I may be lost in confusion at times, I just need to hold on and trust in Him. No matter what happens I can’t lose faith because I know the Spirit is always working. He never stops. Maybe I’m foolish and maybe I’m crazy, but I know in my heart that God is powerful. I know he works for our good and wants us to be close to Him. I am convinced that I will see great things. Though things may fall apart all around me, and just when it seems like things are only getting worse, I know that if I just hold on a little tighter and trust a littler harder I will see the goodness of God. I can’t let go in the middle of the storm. I can’t stand down just when the winds start to get stronger. I need to stand firm. I can’t back down yet. I don’t want to give up… I know God can do impossible things. Even now he is working.

Life from May to August

Today is May 27, 2009.
This year has started off pretty challenging. It actually started in 2008, but 2009 is bearing a lot of the trials. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple months. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything by any means, and I am still learning so much day by day. I’ve been a disciple for 5 years and every year brings new challenges and new changes. Everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has a different story. What I’m learning is throughout my journey and walk with God, the simplest things seem revolutionary to me. It takes me a while to grasp and realize certain things. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but sometimes I can turn the simplest things into the hardest things.
My first dating relationship as a disciple was very exciting at first but later I found it wasn’t really focused on God. Looking back on the mistakes we made and just how we weren’t ready for that kind of relationship helps me realize the importance of where my heart is at with God. Where is my heart?
I’m often the kind of person who puts off having my time with God. I would say “I’ll make time later” when later would never happen. Or I’d pray, but the passion in my prayers was fading and my heart wasn’t connecting.
I think that’s why God put me through all these emotional trials. At first it all seemed very overwhelming, but as I look back I see how God used that time for me to seek him out and run to him. I wasn’t doing that before. I was complacent in my life. I wasn’t growing or even standing still. I was falling backwards.
When my dating relationship ended in December of 2008 it was actually a good feeling for both of us. Our relationship was only hurting us spiritually. We had fallen into sin and the guilt of that was tearing our insides apart. I could feel the tension between us. We were drowning out the Spirit’s calls with Satan’s lies. That was the first time sin affected me physically. The guilt of not being open with my sin made me lose my appetite and I lost 5 pounds in one week. The Spirit was wrestling inside me. The night we broke up was an intense night. He almost left the fellowship that night. Looking back it was God that humbled his heart. I pleaded with him, probably even raised my voice at him, asking him to call the brothers. When he finally did that’s when he finally broke down. God humbled both of us that night.
And to my amazement, it wasn’t a sad breakup. It brought us peace in our hearts because we were ready to repent.
The storm only starts there.
I was really in love with him too. From the very beginning we fit so well, but there was still a lot of growing we both had to do spiritually.
In February of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was in stage four and it had spread to his lungs. Talk about a shock to my family. I always hear about people having loved ones with cancer, but it’s a different experience when it’s someone close to you. I remember the day we knew it was cancer. It wasn’t confirmed, but we just knew. I remember calling my brother and when he answered the phone I couldn’t talk I just started to cry. I had to hang up. He called me back right away, very confused on why I had just hung up on him. I told him holding back tears. I asked him if he could call our older brother Josh- he was on the other side of the country at the time. He had just gotten back from Iraq and later I would find he was suffering from his own demons of war.
We were all so scared, but my dad was never hopeless and I’m very grateful for that. They scheduled a surgery for his kidney to be removed in early March. We were all waiting in anticipation for that day.
Things started to get harder when Bryan started to act differently. We still had feelings for each other but had agreed on being friends until we both were spiritually ready to take on a godly relationship. He was going through his own troubles and when he reached out to me I didn’t know how to help him. He would call me in the middle of the night or very early in the morning telling me things at the time I didn’t know how to handle. I started to watch him drift away from the fellowship slowly and a bitterness rise in his heart. The same week of the surgery was the same week Bryan left. I broke down. Bryan was going through his own struggles and because the circumstances and situations involved other people, it was wise that we shouldn’t contact him.
I remember crying hysterically in my car one afternoon. They sent me home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I checked my email everyday from some kind of contact from Bryan. My dad had just come home from the hospital and was still very weak and sick. I thought “Why is this all happening? Why all at once?” I remember praying to God everyday with tears for both Bryan and my dad. As time when on I only became more depressed and I found myself not talking to God as much. I was slowly starting to become bitter. Bryan did end up contacting me, but every time I talked to him I didn’t understand whey he had gone and we only frustrated each other.
Apart of me still was hoping to one day be with him. I had to let that go. Once I let that go, that’s when I started to see God working.
(August 21, 2009)
And now five months later I’m still waiting to see what is going to happen. My dad is doing treatment for his lungs and we won’t fully know if he’s really healing for another month or two. He has had the most incredible attitude though. He jokes a lot but always says he’s going to beat this thing. I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to go back to that job that used to stress him out so much. I almost cried one day when he told me he was going to see his grandkids one day and that he had to walk me down the aisle. Those where thoughts that ran through my mind more than once and I couldn’t imagine those moments without him. It’s hard to think that others have lost ones so close to them. In fact this year- two of my good friends lost both their dads to cancer- and my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine the pain and the emotions.
Bryan is growing and things are slowly getting better. He’s finding his own and God is showing him so much. We talk more now that time has gone by. I’ve learned these past few months that all I can do is trust in God and He will take care of him. I just need to take myself out of the situations sometimes to really let God work. Sometimes I get scared when things start to go good because in a second it could get bad again. But I can’t worry about that. Bryan’s on his own journey and so is my dad. Prayer is more powerful than anything I can do or say. And in the end, they both teach me things I never knew. I end up being the one that learns and they become the teachers- whether they know it or not.

Just felt like writing.

Sometimes I stay up late and do absolutely nothing. Last night I stayed up late and watched an old movie I haven't seen in a long time. It made me happy. It gave me a feeling of nostalga that took me back to days of summer when school was out and I could feel the night breeze as I watched the tv in black and white.
Lately its hard finding those truely happy exciting moments. Funny how they come out of things you don't expect. Even songs that you haven't heard in a long time can remind you of how you used to be or how you used to feel. Sometimes I think it's God's little remiders telling me not to worry so much. And boy do I worry. I'm offically an adult.
When I was younger I didn't understand what everyone older was freaking out about. I found joy in so many things. I didn't have to go looking for fun, I could just make it out of thin air. But I guess thats life huh? The older you get the crazier you become and the more worries you aquire. Well no thank you!
No wonder all those boys went to Never Never Land in Peter Pan. I'm not even old but worrying makes me feel old. And as I listen to these old songs I feel like I want to just go dance and not even care who is watching- To just be happy in the moment. Just run in the street and sing at the top of my lungs and spin in cirlces till I fall down. I wish I had the courage.
I have too many stories in my head and everytime I think of one its like a movie preview that plays in my head. I have the perfect song for each and these scenes keep replaying in my head over and over again. And there always seems to be this girl. Maybe this girl I imagine in my mind is who I really want to be. Carefree and crazy. And at one point maybe I was her, that is until I fell into this carvern called reality that horribily handicaps me. But even before it was never perfect. I want to start living carefree and crazy again-but not to the extreme of course. I just want to live in a land where those moments aren't so far off and laughter isn't so silent. I don't think this place is so far off. It might be hard locating once in a while but life's happy moments are everywhere- even in the midst of storms they prevail.
And to quote the beautifuly talented Adele, "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" Well Adele, I'm just gonna keep chasing those pavements no matter where they lead, because with God, they'll always lead somewhere....

Security

How does insecurity always seem to have its leash on me? It’s like one of those bungee leashes that only let you go so far and just when you feel that freedom and that release- it pulls you back inward. Cut me lose and set me free because I’ve had it with insecurity and it ruining my life. It’s simply pride. Oh and how God hates pride. I’m reading this book called, “When people are BIG and God is small” and so far it rings true to my personality. If we’re being totally honest- I’m a people pleaser in every aspect. I care too much about what people think of me. Even now as I write this, I’m wondering if anyone will read these words of mine, let alone like them or understand them. I want to be noticed and well-liked. And I’m scared to death when in comes to rejection. But don’t we all hate rejection? There’s just something about not feeling “wanted” that seeps into our core and hurts.
My mind has a way of playing tricks on me. Sometimes what I perceive as truth turns out to be false, yet other times the truth is exactly what I thought. Isn’t it funny how words can sometimes pierce our hearts in the wrong moments, yet other times they have us laughing hysterically? Maybe not so funny in the first example, but I’m noticing how words I say can affect people deeply. When things like these happen, the bible makes more sense than ever. God says all those things for a reason. It’s locking them in your heart that can be the hard part.
Anyone ever receive a half-hearted hug, or a forced smile that just made you feel like there’s something missing? I know I’ve given such hugs and such smiles and in turn I have received them. Did I mention my mind has a way of playing tricks on me? Oh yes I did. It’s Satan at his best. It’s easy for him to put thoughts of worthlessness or negative feelings in our hearts that end up being lies. I have to keep telling myself their lies. LIES.
I conjure up thoughts that only tear me down.
I want to be wanted, but I’m going about it the wrong way. I care so much about what people think of me that it drowns me inside. And when people pull away unexpectedly I sometimes search frantically for “things” I can do to make it all better. And in the end I hate myself. I’m more lonely than ever because through it all the thoughts keep coming back to me and they cease to glorify God. And there’s the problem right there. I become consumed with myself. It’s as if my soul is crying out “Love me please!” but in the most embarrassing way.
The saddest thing of all is I fail to realize that in the midst of all this confusion and self-seeking, the love and acceptance I’ve longed for all my life have always been right in front of me. I tend to find myself still screaming loudly over God’s whispers. How is He so patient with me? This thought I will never know. And when it’s all written down, and the thoughts are finally on paper, the bigger picture starts to makes sense. The half-hearted hugs and the forced smiles seem nothing when you finally see the intense love that has been prepared for you from the deepest heart of all. People aren’t so big when you’re in the presence of the living God. God is bigger. I just have to keep reminding myself that He is BIGGER.

Finding my Happy.

Someone once told me “You can be anything you want to be.” I was firm believer in this statement for years, and to some extent deep in my heart it rings true to my imagination. But when you’re 24 years old- a year out of college, working part time at a job that can only pay your car payment and the occasional starbucks drink to induce self esteem- not to mention the other pending bills of health insurance, car insurance and the ever so fantastic student loans that suddenly decided to grace you with their presence; you realize that your life has consisted of years of spending and now its finally time to start repaying. Being anything you want to be doesn’t seem too grad anymore. It’s all about the bills. Well, that’s what my parents keep telling me at least. I made the mistake a couple days ago of telling my mom “I’ll take on my cell phone bill, and it will be okay if I drop my health insurance for a while.” I didn’t understand at first why she got so upset. It all made sense to me. I know lots of people without health insurance and their doing fine. The mere fact that I cherish my cell phone over doctor visits rings true to my generation. And what a beautiful and lazy generation I dwell in. No wonder my parents often look at me with confusion when I mention not settling but can’t seem to find a job to pay the bills. No wonder their confused. Maybe I’m the one thoroughly confused. Yes ladies and gentlemen it’s me.
I looked into the whole grad school thing, and wasn’t quite sure where to go with that. In a bad economy going back to school seems like the best idea when jobs are scarce. That’s until you meet your grad school loans. “Hello, nice to meet you!” Ha no. Oh the beauty of loans and how they haunt. “You think you’re in debt now” someone told me, “Oh honey, don’t get caught up in grad school if you’re just doing it to avoid the job market!” Yeah of course I fell into that one. I tried the whole online school thing. It seemed easy from the brochure. Note to self: never trust the brochure. I mean what wouldn’t be easy about going to school from home? It’s probably easy for many but somehow I managed to get sick of it unbelievably fast. And you wouldn’t believe how sold out I was to go in the first place. I think that’s one of my flaws right there. Everything seems to perfect and glamorous on paper or when I see other people doing great things. What I tend to do is blind myself to the blood, sweat, tears and years that go into dreams being accomplished. I sometimes expect life to be like that genie from Aladdin. They’ll be jokes and songs and in the end I’ll get to fly on a magic carpet with someone who loves me for me. Thanks Disney for that dream of the ever unattainable happily ever after. You’ve put a dream in my head that will never be truly filled except though the occasional day dream- but even then I am done no justice at all! How dare you Disney how dare you.
But what if there is a happily ever after and we just forget to see it or even mention it because our minds are too consumed with bills, bills, and other worries to step outside, let alone even think outside the box. I believe in happily ever afters. Well maybe not the Disney kind but the REAL kind-the happily ever afters that build character, and the sunsets that never fade. Because happiness is more than finding prince charming, it’s about finding out who we are and discovering contentment in the most unimaginable ways. Maybe that’s what life is all about. Maybe I can be anything I want to be. Maybe all those people are right? What’s next is highly foggy in my mind. All I can say is brace yourself world- I’m coming for my happily ever after.