I wrote this a while ago...July 2009 to be exact.
I can’t let my emotions run away with my desires. I ask the Lord to keep me grounded with all that’s going on. My heart aches and goes back and forth and sometimes in circles because I question if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know the future, and every second is a new feeling, but I’m believing and holding on to faith. Though the world may say its impossible or that I’m wasting my time, I know God has a bigger plan. I just need to keep asking him for guidance and strength. I need to keep seeking his will. Apart of me hopes and dreams for things that are far off and in a way it saddens me because I wish things were different. But I’m learning there’s a reason to all this. There’s a reason to these feelings and these situations that build up to something greater that God has planned. And though it may hurt right now and I may be lost in confusion at times, I just need to hold on and trust in Him. No matter what happens I can’t lose faith because I know the Spirit is always working. He never stops. Maybe I’m foolish and maybe I’m crazy, but I know in my heart that God is powerful. I know he works for our good and wants us to be close to Him. I am convinced that I will see great things. Though things may fall apart all around me, and just when it seems like things are only getting worse, I know that if I just hold on a little tighter and trust a littler harder I will see the goodness of God. I can’t let go in the middle of the storm. I can’t stand down just when the winds start to get stronger. I need to stand firm. I can’t back down yet. I don’t want to give up… I know God can do impossible things. Even now he is working.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Life from May to August
Today is May 27, 2009.
This year has started off pretty challenging. It actually started in 2008, but 2009 is bearing a lot of the trials. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple months. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything by any means, and I am still learning so much day by day. I’ve been a disciple for 5 years and every year brings new challenges and new changes. Everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has a different story. What I’m learning is throughout my journey and walk with God, the simplest things seem revolutionary to me. It takes me a while to grasp and realize certain things. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but sometimes I can turn the simplest things into the hardest things.
My first dating relationship as a disciple was very exciting at first but later I found it wasn’t really focused on God. Looking back on the mistakes we made and just how we weren’t ready for that kind of relationship helps me realize the importance of where my heart is at with God. Where is my heart?
I’m often the kind of person who puts off having my time with God. I would say “I’ll make time later” when later would never happen. Or I’d pray, but the passion in my prayers was fading and my heart wasn’t connecting.
I think that’s why God put me through all these emotional trials. At first it all seemed very overwhelming, but as I look back I see how God used that time for me to seek him out and run to him. I wasn’t doing that before. I was complacent in my life. I wasn’t growing or even standing still. I was falling backwards.
When my dating relationship ended in December of 2008 it was actually a good feeling for both of us. Our relationship was only hurting us spiritually. We had fallen into sin and the guilt of that was tearing our insides apart. I could feel the tension between us. We were drowning out the Spirit’s calls with Satan’s lies. That was the first time sin affected me physically. The guilt of not being open with my sin made me lose my appetite and I lost 5 pounds in one week. The Spirit was wrestling inside me. The night we broke up was an intense night. He almost left the fellowship that night. Looking back it was God that humbled his heart. I pleaded with him, probably even raised my voice at him, asking him to call the brothers. When he finally did that’s when he finally broke down. God humbled both of us that night.
And to my amazement, it wasn’t a sad breakup. It brought us peace in our hearts because we were ready to repent.
The storm only starts there.
I was really in love with him too. From the very beginning we fit so well, but there was still a lot of growing we both had to do spiritually.
In February of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was in stage four and it had spread to his lungs. Talk about a shock to my family. I always hear about people having loved ones with cancer, but it’s a different experience when it’s someone close to you. I remember the day we knew it was cancer. It wasn’t confirmed, but we just knew. I remember calling my brother and when he answered the phone I couldn’t talk I just started to cry. I had to hang up. He called me back right away, very confused on why I had just hung up on him. I told him holding back tears. I asked him if he could call our older brother Josh- he was on the other side of the country at the time. He had just gotten back from Iraq and later I would find he was suffering from his own demons of war.
We were all so scared, but my dad was never hopeless and I’m very grateful for that. They scheduled a surgery for his kidney to be removed in early March. We were all waiting in anticipation for that day.
Things started to get harder when Bryan started to act differently. We still had feelings for each other but had agreed on being friends until we both were spiritually ready to take on a godly relationship. He was going through his own troubles and when he reached out to me I didn’t know how to help him. He would call me in the middle of the night or very early in the morning telling me things at the time I didn’t know how to handle. I started to watch him drift away from the fellowship slowly and a bitterness rise in his heart. The same week of the surgery was the same week Bryan left. I broke down. Bryan was going through his own struggles and because the circumstances and situations involved other people, it was wise that we shouldn’t contact him.
I remember crying hysterically in my car one afternoon. They sent me home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I checked my email everyday from some kind of contact from Bryan. My dad had just come home from the hospital and was still very weak and sick. I thought “Why is this all happening? Why all at once?” I remember praying to God everyday with tears for both Bryan and my dad. As time when on I only became more depressed and I found myself not talking to God as much. I was slowly starting to become bitter. Bryan did end up contacting me, but every time I talked to him I didn’t understand whey he had gone and we only frustrated each other.
Apart of me still was hoping to one day be with him. I had to let that go. Once I let that go, that’s when I started to see God working.
(August 21, 2009)
And now five months later I’m still waiting to see what is going to happen. My dad is doing treatment for his lungs and we won’t fully know if he’s really healing for another month or two. He has had the most incredible attitude though. He jokes a lot but always says he’s going to beat this thing. I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to go back to that job that used to stress him out so much. I almost cried one day when he told me he was going to see his grandkids one day and that he had to walk me down the aisle. Those where thoughts that ran through my mind more than once and I couldn’t imagine those moments without him. It’s hard to think that others have lost ones so close to them. In fact this year- two of my good friends lost both their dads to cancer- and my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine the pain and the emotions.
Bryan is growing and things are slowly getting better. He’s finding his own and God is showing him so much. We talk more now that time has gone by. I’ve learned these past few months that all I can do is trust in God and He will take care of him. I just need to take myself out of the situations sometimes to really let God work. Sometimes I get scared when things start to go good because in a second it could get bad again. But I can’t worry about that. Bryan’s on his own journey and so is my dad. Prayer is more powerful than anything I can do or say. And in the end, they both teach me things I never knew. I end up being the one that learns and they become the teachers- whether they know it or not.
This year has started off pretty challenging. It actually started in 2008, but 2009 is bearing a lot of the trials. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple months. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything by any means, and I am still learning so much day by day. I’ve been a disciple for 5 years and every year brings new challenges and new changes. Everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has a different story. What I’m learning is throughout my journey and walk with God, the simplest things seem revolutionary to me. It takes me a while to grasp and realize certain things. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but sometimes I can turn the simplest things into the hardest things.
My first dating relationship as a disciple was very exciting at first but later I found it wasn’t really focused on God. Looking back on the mistakes we made and just how we weren’t ready for that kind of relationship helps me realize the importance of where my heart is at with God. Where is my heart?
I’m often the kind of person who puts off having my time with God. I would say “I’ll make time later” when later would never happen. Or I’d pray, but the passion in my prayers was fading and my heart wasn’t connecting.
I think that’s why God put me through all these emotional trials. At first it all seemed very overwhelming, but as I look back I see how God used that time for me to seek him out and run to him. I wasn’t doing that before. I was complacent in my life. I wasn’t growing or even standing still. I was falling backwards.
When my dating relationship ended in December of 2008 it was actually a good feeling for both of us. Our relationship was only hurting us spiritually. We had fallen into sin and the guilt of that was tearing our insides apart. I could feel the tension between us. We were drowning out the Spirit’s calls with Satan’s lies. That was the first time sin affected me physically. The guilt of not being open with my sin made me lose my appetite and I lost 5 pounds in one week. The Spirit was wrestling inside me. The night we broke up was an intense night. He almost left the fellowship that night. Looking back it was God that humbled his heart. I pleaded with him, probably even raised my voice at him, asking him to call the brothers. When he finally did that’s when he finally broke down. God humbled both of us that night.
And to my amazement, it wasn’t a sad breakup. It brought us peace in our hearts because we were ready to repent.
The storm only starts there.
I was really in love with him too. From the very beginning we fit so well, but there was still a lot of growing we both had to do spiritually.
In February of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was in stage four and it had spread to his lungs. Talk about a shock to my family. I always hear about people having loved ones with cancer, but it’s a different experience when it’s someone close to you. I remember the day we knew it was cancer. It wasn’t confirmed, but we just knew. I remember calling my brother and when he answered the phone I couldn’t talk I just started to cry. I had to hang up. He called me back right away, very confused on why I had just hung up on him. I told him holding back tears. I asked him if he could call our older brother Josh- he was on the other side of the country at the time. He had just gotten back from Iraq and later I would find he was suffering from his own demons of war.
We were all so scared, but my dad was never hopeless and I’m very grateful for that. They scheduled a surgery for his kidney to be removed in early March. We were all waiting in anticipation for that day.
Things started to get harder when Bryan started to act differently. We still had feelings for each other but had agreed on being friends until we both were spiritually ready to take on a godly relationship. He was going through his own troubles and when he reached out to me I didn’t know how to help him. He would call me in the middle of the night or very early in the morning telling me things at the time I didn’t know how to handle. I started to watch him drift away from the fellowship slowly and a bitterness rise in his heart. The same week of the surgery was the same week Bryan left. I broke down. Bryan was going through his own struggles and because the circumstances and situations involved other people, it was wise that we shouldn’t contact him.
I remember crying hysterically in my car one afternoon. They sent me home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I checked my email everyday from some kind of contact from Bryan. My dad had just come home from the hospital and was still very weak and sick. I thought “Why is this all happening? Why all at once?” I remember praying to God everyday with tears for both Bryan and my dad. As time when on I only became more depressed and I found myself not talking to God as much. I was slowly starting to become bitter. Bryan did end up contacting me, but every time I talked to him I didn’t understand whey he had gone and we only frustrated each other.
Apart of me still was hoping to one day be with him. I had to let that go. Once I let that go, that’s when I started to see God working.
(August 21, 2009)
And now five months later I’m still waiting to see what is going to happen. My dad is doing treatment for his lungs and we won’t fully know if he’s really healing for another month or two. He has had the most incredible attitude though. He jokes a lot but always says he’s going to beat this thing. I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to go back to that job that used to stress him out so much. I almost cried one day when he told me he was going to see his grandkids one day and that he had to walk me down the aisle. Those where thoughts that ran through my mind more than once and I couldn’t imagine those moments without him. It’s hard to think that others have lost ones so close to them. In fact this year- two of my good friends lost both their dads to cancer- and my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine the pain and the emotions.
Bryan is growing and things are slowly getting better. He’s finding his own and God is showing him so much. We talk more now that time has gone by. I’ve learned these past few months that all I can do is trust in God and He will take care of him. I just need to take myself out of the situations sometimes to really let God work. Sometimes I get scared when things start to go good because in a second it could get bad again. But I can’t worry about that. Bryan’s on his own journey and so is my dad. Prayer is more powerful than anything I can do or say. And in the end, they both teach me things I never knew. I end up being the one that learns and they become the teachers- whether they know it or not.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Just felt like writing.
Sometimes I stay up late and do absolutely nothing. Last night I stayed up late and watched an old movie I haven't seen in a long time. It made me happy. It gave me a feeling of nostalga that took me back to days of summer when school was out and I could feel the night breeze as I watched the tv in black and white.
Lately its hard finding those truely happy exciting moments. Funny how they come out of things you don't expect. Even songs that you haven't heard in a long time can remind you of how you used to be or how you used to feel. Sometimes I think it's God's little remiders telling me not to worry so much. And boy do I worry. I'm offically an adult.
When I was younger I didn't understand what everyone older was freaking out about. I found joy in so many things. I didn't have to go looking for fun, I could just make it out of thin air. But I guess thats life huh? The older you get the crazier you become and the more worries you aquire. Well no thank you!
No wonder all those boys went to Never Never Land in Peter Pan. I'm not even old but worrying makes me feel old. And as I listen to these old songs I feel like I want to just go dance and not even care who is watching- To just be happy in the moment. Just run in the street and sing at the top of my lungs and spin in cirlces till I fall down. I wish I had the courage.
I have too many stories in my head and everytime I think of one its like a movie preview that plays in my head. I have the perfect song for each and these scenes keep replaying in my head over and over again. And there always seems to be this girl. Maybe this girl I imagine in my mind is who I really want to be. Carefree and crazy. And at one point maybe I was her, that is until I fell into this carvern called reality that horribily handicaps me. But even before it was never perfect. I want to start living carefree and crazy again-but not to the extreme of course. I just want to live in a land where those moments aren't so far off and laughter isn't so silent. I don't think this place is so far off. It might be hard locating once in a while but life's happy moments are everywhere- even in the midst of storms they prevail.
And to quote the beautifuly talented Adele, "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" Well Adele, I'm just gonna keep chasing those pavements no matter where they lead, because with God, they'll always lead somewhere....
Lately its hard finding those truely happy exciting moments. Funny how they come out of things you don't expect. Even songs that you haven't heard in a long time can remind you of how you used to be or how you used to feel. Sometimes I think it's God's little remiders telling me not to worry so much. And boy do I worry. I'm offically an adult.
When I was younger I didn't understand what everyone older was freaking out about. I found joy in so many things. I didn't have to go looking for fun, I could just make it out of thin air. But I guess thats life huh? The older you get the crazier you become and the more worries you aquire. Well no thank you!
No wonder all those boys went to Never Never Land in Peter Pan. I'm not even old but worrying makes me feel old. And as I listen to these old songs I feel like I want to just go dance and not even care who is watching- To just be happy in the moment. Just run in the street and sing at the top of my lungs and spin in cirlces till I fall down. I wish I had the courage.
I have too many stories in my head and everytime I think of one its like a movie preview that plays in my head. I have the perfect song for each and these scenes keep replaying in my head over and over again. And there always seems to be this girl. Maybe this girl I imagine in my mind is who I really want to be. Carefree and crazy. And at one point maybe I was her, that is until I fell into this carvern called reality that horribily handicaps me. But even before it was never perfect. I want to start living carefree and crazy again-but not to the extreme of course. I just want to live in a land where those moments aren't so far off and laughter isn't so silent. I don't think this place is so far off. It might be hard locating once in a while but life's happy moments are everywhere- even in the midst of storms they prevail.
And to quote the beautifuly talented Adele, "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" Well Adele, I'm just gonna keep chasing those pavements no matter where they lead, because with God, they'll always lead somewhere....
Friday, September 11, 2009
Security
How does insecurity always seem to have its leash on me? It’s like one of those bungee leashes that only let you go so far and just when you feel that freedom and that release- it pulls you back inward. Cut me lose and set me free because I’ve had it with insecurity and it ruining my life. It’s simply pride. Oh and how God hates pride. I’m reading this book called, “When people are BIG and God is small” and so far it rings true to my personality. If we’re being totally honest- I’m a people pleaser in every aspect. I care too much about what people think of me. Even now as I write this, I’m wondering if anyone will read these words of mine, let alone like them or understand them. I want to be noticed and well-liked. And I’m scared to death when in comes to rejection. But don’t we all hate rejection? There’s just something about not feeling “wanted” that seeps into our core and hurts.
My mind has a way of playing tricks on me. Sometimes what I perceive as truth turns out to be false, yet other times the truth is exactly what I thought. Isn’t it funny how words can sometimes pierce our hearts in the wrong moments, yet other times they have us laughing hysterically? Maybe not so funny in the first example, but I’m noticing how words I say can affect people deeply. When things like these happen, the bible makes more sense than ever. God says all those things for a reason. It’s locking them in your heart that can be the hard part.
Anyone ever receive a half-hearted hug, or a forced smile that just made you feel like there’s something missing? I know I’ve given such hugs and such smiles and in turn I have received them. Did I mention my mind has a way of playing tricks on me? Oh yes I did. It’s Satan at his best. It’s easy for him to put thoughts of worthlessness or negative feelings in our hearts that end up being lies. I have to keep telling myself their lies. LIES.
I conjure up thoughts that only tear me down.
I want to be wanted, but I’m going about it the wrong way. I care so much about what people think of me that it drowns me inside. And when people pull away unexpectedly I sometimes search frantically for “things” I can do to make it all better. And in the end I hate myself. I’m more lonely than ever because through it all the thoughts keep coming back to me and they cease to glorify God. And there’s the problem right there. I become consumed with myself. It’s as if my soul is crying out “Love me please!” but in the most embarrassing way.
The saddest thing of all is I fail to realize that in the midst of all this confusion and self-seeking, the love and acceptance I’ve longed for all my life have always been right in front of me. I tend to find myself still screaming loudly over God’s whispers. How is He so patient with me? This thought I will never know. And when it’s all written down, and the thoughts are finally on paper, the bigger picture starts to makes sense. The half-hearted hugs and the forced smiles seem nothing when you finally see the intense love that has been prepared for you from the deepest heart of all. People aren’t so big when you’re in the presence of the living God. God is bigger. I just have to keep reminding myself that He is BIGGER.
My mind has a way of playing tricks on me. Sometimes what I perceive as truth turns out to be false, yet other times the truth is exactly what I thought. Isn’t it funny how words can sometimes pierce our hearts in the wrong moments, yet other times they have us laughing hysterically? Maybe not so funny in the first example, but I’m noticing how words I say can affect people deeply. When things like these happen, the bible makes more sense than ever. God says all those things for a reason. It’s locking them in your heart that can be the hard part.
Anyone ever receive a half-hearted hug, or a forced smile that just made you feel like there’s something missing? I know I’ve given such hugs and such smiles and in turn I have received them. Did I mention my mind has a way of playing tricks on me? Oh yes I did. It’s Satan at his best. It’s easy for him to put thoughts of worthlessness or negative feelings in our hearts that end up being lies. I have to keep telling myself their lies. LIES.
I conjure up thoughts that only tear me down.
I want to be wanted, but I’m going about it the wrong way. I care so much about what people think of me that it drowns me inside. And when people pull away unexpectedly I sometimes search frantically for “things” I can do to make it all better. And in the end I hate myself. I’m more lonely than ever because through it all the thoughts keep coming back to me and they cease to glorify God. And there’s the problem right there. I become consumed with myself. It’s as if my soul is crying out “Love me please!” but in the most embarrassing way.
The saddest thing of all is I fail to realize that in the midst of all this confusion and self-seeking, the love and acceptance I’ve longed for all my life have always been right in front of me. I tend to find myself still screaming loudly over God’s whispers. How is He so patient with me? This thought I will never know. And when it’s all written down, and the thoughts are finally on paper, the bigger picture starts to makes sense. The half-hearted hugs and the forced smiles seem nothing when you finally see the intense love that has been prepared for you from the deepest heart of all. People aren’t so big when you’re in the presence of the living God. God is bigger. I just have to keep reminding myself that He is BIGGER.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Finding my Happy.
Someone once told me “You can be anything you want to be.” I was firm believer in this statement for years, and to some extent deep in my heart it rings true to my imagination. But when you’re 24 years old- a year out of college, working part time at a job that can only pay your car payment and the occasional starbucks drink to induce self esteem- not to mention the other pending bills of health insurance, car insurance and the ever so fantastic student loans that suddenly decided to grace you with their presence; you realize that your life has consisted of years of spending and now its finally time to start repaying. Being anything you want to be doesn’t seem too grad anymore. It’s all about the bills. Well, that’s what my parents keep telling me at least. I made the mistake a couple days ago of telling my mom “I’ll take on my cell phone bill, and it will be okay if I drop my health insurance for a while.” I didn’t understand at first why she got so upset. It all made sense to me. I know lots of people without health insurance and their doing fine. The mere fact that I cherish my cell phone over doctor visits rings true to my generation. And what a beautiful and lazy generation I dwell in. No wonder my parents often look at me with confusion when I mention not settling but can’t seem to find a job to pay the bills. No wonder their confused. Maybe I’m the one thoroughly confused. Yes ladies and gentlemen it’s me.
I looked into the whole grad school thing, and wasn’t quite sure where to go with that. In a bad economy going back to school seems like the best idea when jobs are scarce. That’s until you meet your grad school loans. “Hello, nice to meet you!” Ha no. Oh the beauty of loans and how they haunt. “You think you’re in debt now” someone told me, “Oh honey, don’t get caught up in grad school if you’re just doing it to avoid the job market!” Yeah of course I fell into that one. I tried the whole online school thing. It seemed easy from the brochure. Note to self: never trust the brochure. I mean what wouldn’t be easy about going to school from home? It’s probably easy for many but somehow I managed to get sick of it unbelievably fast. And you wouldn’t believe how sold out I was to go in the first place. I think that’s one of my flaws right there. Everything seems to perfect and glamorous on paper or when I see other people doing great things. What I tend to do is blind myself to the blood, sweat, tears and years that go into dreams being accomplished. I sometimes expect life to be like that genie from Aladdin. They’ll be jokes and songs and in the end I’ll get to fly on a magic carpet with someone who loves me for me. Thanks Disney for that dream of the ever unattainable happily ever after. You’ve put a dream in my head that will never be truly filled except though the occasional day dream- but even then I am done no justice at all! How dare you Disney how dare you.
But what if there is a happily ever after and we just forget to see it or even mention it because our minds are too consumed with bills, bills, and other worries to step outside, let alone even think outside the box. I believe in happily ever afters. Well maybe not the Disney kind but the REAL kind-the happily ever afters that build character, and the sunsets that never fade. Because happiness is more than finding prince charming, it’s about finding out who we are and discovering contentment in the most unimaginable ways. Maybe that’s what life is all about. Maybe I can be anything I want to be. Maybe all those people are right? What’s next is highly foggy in my mind. All I can say is brace yourself world- I’m coming for my happily ever after.
I looked into the whole grad school thing, and wasn’t quite sure where to go with that. In a bad economy going back to school seems like the best idea when jobs are scarce. That’s until you meet your grad school loans. “Hello, nice to meet you!” Ha no. Oh the beauty of loans and how they haunt. “You think you’re in debt now” someone told me, “Oh honey, don’t get caught up in grad school if you’re just doing it to avoid the job market!” Yeah of course I fell into that one. I tried the whole online school thing. It seemed easy from the brochure. Note to self: never trust the brochure. I mean what wouldn’t be easy about going to school from home? It’s probably easy for many but somehow I managed to get sick of it unbelievably fast. And you wouldn’t believe how sold out I was to go in the first place. I think that’s one of my flaws right there. Everything seems to perfect and glamorous on paper or when I see other people doing great things. What I tend to do is blind myself to the blood, sweat, tears and years that go into dreams being accomplished. I sometimes expect life to be like that genie from Aladdin. They’ll be jokes and songs and in the end I’ll get to fly on a magic carpet with someone who loves me for me. Thanks Disney for that dream of the ever unattainable happily ever after. You’ve put a dream in my head that will never be truly filled except though the occasional day dream- but even then I am done no justice at all! How dare you Disney how dare you.
But what if there is a happily ever after and we just forget to see it or even mention it because our minds are too consumed with bills, bills, and other worries to step outside, let alone even think outside the box. I believe in happily ever afters. Well maybe not the Disney kind but the REAL kind-the happily ever afters that build character, and the sunsets that never fade. Because happiness is more than finding prince charming, it’s about finding out who we are and discovering contentment in the most unimaginable ways. Maybe that’s what life is all about. Maybe I can be anything I want to be. Maybe all those people are right? What’s next is highly foggy in my mind. All I can say is brace yourself world- I’m coming for my happily ever after.
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