I wrote this a while ago...July 2009 to be exact.
I can’t let my emotions run away with my desires. I ask the Lord to keep me grounded with all that’s going on. My heart aches and goes back and forth and sometimes in circles because I question if I’m doing the right thing. I don’t know the future, and every second is a new feeling, but I’m believing and holding on to faith. Though the world may say its impossible or that I’m wasting my time, I know God has a bigger plan. I just need to keep asking him for guidance and strength. I need to keep seeking his will. Apart of me hopes and dreams for things that are far off and in a way it saddens me because I wish things were different. But I’m learning there’s a reason to all this. There’s a reason to these feelings and these situations that build up to something greater that God has planned. And though it may hurt right now and I may be lost in confusion at times, I just need to hold on and trust in Him. No matter what happens I can’t lose faith because I know the Spirit is always working. He never stops. Maybe I’m foolish and maybe I’m crazy, but I know in my heart that God is powerful. I know he works for our good and wants us to be close to Him. I am convinced that I will see great things. Though things may fall apart all around me, and just when it seems like things are only getting worse, I know that if I just hold on a little tighter and trust a littler harder I will see the goodness of God. I can’t let go in the middle of the storm. I can’t stand down just when the winds start to get stronger. I need to stand firm. I can’t back down yet. I don’t want to give up… I know God can do impossible things. Even now he is working.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Life from May to August
Today is May 27, 2009.
This year has started off pretty challenging. It actually started in 2008, but 2009 is bearing a lot of the trials. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple months. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything by any means, and I am still learning so much day by day. I’ve been a disciple for 5 years and every year brings new challenges and new changes. Everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has a different story. What I’m learning is throughout my journey and walk with God, the simplest things seem revolutionary to me. It takes me a while to grasp and realize certain things. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but sometimes I can turn the simplest things into the hardest things.
My first dating relationship as a disciple was very exciting at first but later I found it wasn’t really focused on God. Looking back on the mistakes we made and just how we weren’t ready for that kind of relationship helps me realize the importance of where my heart is at with God. Where is my heart?
I’m often the kind of person who puts off having my time with God. I would say “I’ll make time later” when later would never happen. Or I’d pray, but the passion in my prayers was fading and my heart wasn’t connecting.
I think that’s why God put me through all these emotional trials. At first it all seemed very overwhelming, but as I look back I see how God used that time for me to seek him out and run to him. I wasn’t doing that before. I was complacent in my life. I wasn’t growing or even standing still. I was falling backwards.
When my dating relationship ended in December of 2008 it was actually a good feeling for both of us. Our relationship was only hurting us spiritually. We had fallen into sin and the guilt of that was tearing our insides apart. I could feel the tension between us. We were drowning out the Spirit’s calls with Satan’s lies. That was the first time sin affected me physically. The guilt of not being open with my sin made me lose my appetite and I lost 5 pounds in one week. The Spirit was wrestling inside me. The night we broke up was an intense night. He almost left the fellowship that night. Looking back it was God that humbled his heart. I pleaded with him, probably even raised my voice at him, asking him to call the brothers. When he finally did that’s when he finally broke down. God humbled both of us that night.
And to my amazement, it wasn’t a sad breakup. It brought us peace in our hearts because we were ready to repent.
The storm only starts there.
I was really in love with him too. From the very beginning we fit so well, but there was still a lot of growing we both had to do spiritually.
In February of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was in stage four and it had spread to his lungs. Talk about a shock to my family. I always hear about people having loved ones with cancer, but it’s a different experience when it’s someone close to you. I remember the day we knew it was cancer. It wasn’t confirmed, but we just knew. I remember calling my brother and when he answered the phone I couldn’t talk I just started to cry. I had to hang up. He called me back right away, very confused on why I had just hung up on him. I told him holding back tears. I asked him if he could call our older brother Josh- he was on the other side of the country at the time. He had just gotten back from Iraq and later I would find he was suffering from his own demons of war.
We were all so scared, but my dad was never hopeless and I’m very grateful for that. They scheduled a surgery for his kidney to be removed in early March. We were all waiting in anticipation for that day.
Things started to get harder when Bryan started to act differently. We still had feelings for each other but had agreed on being friends until we both were spiritually ready to take on a godly relationship. He was going through his own troubles and when he reached out to me I didn’t know how to help him. He would call me in the middle of the night or very early in the morning telling me things at the time I didn’t know how to handle. I started to watch him drift away from the fellowship slowly and a bitterness rise in his heart. The same week of the surgery was the same week Bryan left. I broke down. Bryan was going through his own struggles and because the circumstances and situations involved other people, it was wise that we shouldn’t contact him.
I remember crying hysterically in my car one afternoon. They sent me home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I checked my email everyday from some kind of contact from Bryan. My dad had just come home from the hospital and was still very weak and sick. I thought “Why is this all happening? Why all at once?” I remember praying to God everyday with tears for both Bryan and my dad. As time when on I only became more depressed and I found myself not talking to God as much. I was slowly starting to become bitter. Bryan did end up contacting me, but every time I talked to him I didn’t understand whey he had gone and we only frustrated each other.
Apart of me still was hoping to one day be with him. I had to let that go. Once I let that go, that’s when I started to see God working.
(August 21, 2009)
And now five months later I’m still waiting to see what is going to happen. My dad is doing treatment for his lungs and we won’t fully know if he’s really healing for another month or two. He has had the most incredible attitude though. He jokes a lot but always says he’s going to beat this thing. I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to go back to that job that used to stress him out so much. I almost cried one day when he told me he was going to see his grandkids one day and that he had to walk me down the aisle. Those where thoughts that ran through my mind more than once and I couldn’t imagine those moments without him. It’s hard to think that others have lost ones so close to them. In fact this year- two of my good friends lost both their dads to cancer- and my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine the pain and the emotions.
Bryan is growing and things are slowly getting better. He’s finding his own and God is showing him so much. We talk more now that time has gone by. I’ve learned these past few months that all I can do is trust in God and He will take care of him. I just need to take myself out of the situations sometimes to really let God work. Sometimes I get scared when things start to go good because in a second it could get bad again. But I can’t worry about that. Bryan’s on his own journey and so is my dad. Prayer is more powerful than anything I can do or say. And in the end, they both teach me things I never knew. I end up being the one that learns and they become the teachers- whether they know it or not.
This year has started off pretty challenging. It actually started in 2008, but 2009 is bearing a lot of the trials. I’ve learned a lot in the past couple months. I don’t claim to be an expert on anything by any means, and I am still learning so much day by day. I’ve been a disciple for 5 years and every year brings new challenges and new changes. Everyone has their own story to tell, and everyone has a different story. What I’m learning is throughout my journey and walk with God, the simplest things seem revolutionary to me. It takes me a while to grasp and realize certain things. I don’t know if that’s ever happened to you, but sometimes I can turn the simplest things into the hardest things.
My first dating relationship as a disciple was very exciting at first but later I found it wasn’t really focused on God. Looking back on the mistakes we made and just how we weren’t ready for that kind of relationship helps me realize the importance of where my heart is at with God. Where is my heart?
I’m often the kind of person who puts off having my time with God. I would say “I’ll make time later” when later would never happen. Or I’d pray, but the passion in my prayers was fading and my heart wasn’t connecting.
I think that’s why God put me through all these emotional trials. At first it all seemed very overwhelming, but as I look back I see how God used that time for me to seek him out and run to him. I wasn’t doing that before. I was complacent in my life. I wasn’t growing or even standing still. I was falling backwards.
When my dating relationship ended in December of 2008 it was actually a good feeling for both of us. Our relationship was only hurting us spiritually. We had fallen into sin and the guilt of that was tearing our insides apart. I could feel the tension between us. We were drowning out the Spirit’s calls with Satan’s lies. That was the first time sin affected me physically. The guilt of not being open with my sin made me lose my appetite and I lost 5 pounds in one week. The Spirit was wrestling inside me. The night we broke up was an intense night. He almost left the fellowship that night. Looking back it was God that humbled his heart. I pleaded with him, probably even raised my voice at him, asking him to call the brothers. When he finally did that’s when he finally broke down. God humbled both of us that night.
And to my amazement, it wasn’t a sad breakup. It brought us peace in our hearts because we were ready to repent.
The storm only starts there.
I was really in love with him too. From the very beginning we fit so well, but there was still a lot of growing we both had to do spiritually.
In February of 2009 my dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer. It was in stage four and it had spread to his lungs. Talk about a shock to my family. I always hear about people having loved ones with cancer, but it’s a different experience when it’s someone close to you. I remember the day we knew it was cancer. It wasn’t confirmed, but we just knew. I remember calling my brother and when he answered the phone I couldn’t talk I just started to cry. I had to hang up. He called me back right away, very confused on why I had just hung up on him. I told him holding back tears. I asked him if he could call our older brother Josh- he was on the other side of the country at the time. He had just gotten back from Iraq and later I would find he was suffering from his own demons of war.
We were all so scared, but my dad was never hopeless and I’m very grateful for that. They scheduled a surgery for his kidney to be removed in early March. We were all waiting in anticipation for that day.
Things started to get harder when Bryan started to act differently. We still had feelings for each other but had agreed on being friends until we both were spiritually ready to take on a godly relationship. He was going through his own troubles and when he reached out to me I didn’t know how to help him. He would call me in the middle of the night or very early in the morning telling me things at the time I didn’t know how to handle. I started to watch him drift away from the fellowship slowly and a bitterness rise in his heart. The same week of the surgery was the same week Bryan left. I broke down. Bryan was going through his own struggles and because the circumstances and situations involved other people, it was wise that we shouldn’t contact him.
I remember crying hysterically in my car one afternoon. They sent me home from work because I couldn’t stop crying. I checked my email everyday from some kind of contact from Bryan. My dad had just come home from the hospital and was still very weak and sick. I thought “Why is this all happening? Why all at once?” I remember praying to God everyday with tears for both Bryan and my dad. As time when on I only became more depressed and I found myself not talking to God as much. I was slowly starting to become bitter. Bryan did end up contacting me, but every time I talked to him I didn’t understand whey he had gone and we only frustrated each other.
Apart of me still was hoping to one day be with him. I had to let that go. Once I let that go, that’s when I started to see God working.
(August 21, 2009)
And now five months later I’m still waiting to see what is going to happen. My dad is doing treatment for his lungs and we won’t fully know if he’s really healing for another month or two. He has had the most incredible attitude though. He jokes a lot but always says he’s going to beat this thing. I think he’s just happy he doesn’t have to go back to that job that used to stress him out so much. I almost cried one day when he told me he was going to see his grandkids one day and that he had to walk me down the aisle. Those where thoughts that ran through my mind more than once and I couldn’t imagine those moments without him. It’s hard to think that others have lost ones so close to them. In fact this year- two of my good friends lost both their dads to cancer- and my heart goes out to them. I can only imagine the pain and the emotions.
Bryan is growing and things are slowly getting better. He’s finding his own and God is showing him so much. We talk more now that time has gone by. I’ve learned these past few months that all I can do is trust in God and He will take care of him. I just need to take myself out of the situations sometimes to really let God work. Sometimes I get scared when things start to go good because in a second it could get bad again. But I can’t worry about that. Bryan’s on his own journey and so is my dad. Prayer is more powerful than anything I can do or say. And in the end, they both teach me things I never knew. I end up being the one that learns and they become the teachers- whether they know it or not.
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