Just felt like writing.

Sometimes I stay up late and do absolutely nothing. Last night I stayed up late and watched an old movie I haven't seen in a long time. It made me happy. It gave me a feeling of nostalga that took me back to days of summer when school was out and I could feel the night breeze as I watched the tv in black and white.
Lately its hard finding those truely happy exciting moments. Funny how they come out of things you don't expect. Even songs that you haven't heard in a long time can remind you of how you used to be or how you used to feel. Sometimes I think it's God's little remiders telling me not to worry so much. And boy do I worry. I'm offically an adult.
When I was younger I didn't understand what everyone older was freaking out about. I found joy in so many things. I didn't have to go looking for fun, I could just make it out of thin air. But I guess thats life huh? The older you get the crazier you become and the more worries you aquire. Well no thank you!
No wonder all those boys went to Never Never Land in Peter Pan. I'm not even old but worrying makes me feel old. And as I listen to these old songs I feel like I want to just go dance and not even care who is watching- To just be happy in the moment. Just run in the street and sing at the top of my lungs and spin in cirlces till I fall down. I wish I had the courage.
I have too many stories in my head and everytime I think of one its like a movie preview that plays in my head. I have the perfect song for each and these scenes keep replaying in my head over and over again. And there always seems to be this girl. Maybe this girl I imagine in my mind is who I really want to be. Carefree and crazy. And at one point maybe I was her, that is until I fell into this carvern called reality that horribily handicaps me. But even before it was never perfect. I want to start living carefree and crazy again-but not to the extreme of course. I just want to live in a land where those moments aren't so far off and laughter isn't so silent. I don't think this place is so far off. It might be hard locating once in a while but life's happy moments are everywhere- even in the midst of storms they prevail.
And to quote the beautifuly talented Adele, "Should I give up? Or should I just keep chasing pavements, even if it leads nowhere?" Well Adele, I'm just gonna keep chasing those pavements no matter where they lead, because with God, they'll always lead somewhere....

Security

How does insecurity always seem to have its leash on me? It’s like one of those bungee leashes that only let you go so far and just when you feel that freedom and that release- it pulls you back inward. Cut me lose and set me free because I’ve had it with insecurity and it ruining my life. It’s simply pride. Oh and how God hates pride. I’m reading this book called, “When people are BIG and God is small” and so far it rings true to my personality. If we’re being totally honest- I’m a people pleaser in every aspect. I care too much about what people think of me. Even now as I write this, I’m wondering if anyone will read these words of mine, let alone like them or understand them. I want to be noticed and well-liked. And I’m scared to death when in comes to rejection. But don’t we all hate rejection? There’s just something about not feeling “wanted” that seeps into our core and hurts.
My mind has a way of playing tricks on me. Sometimes what I perceive as truth turns out to be false, yet other times the truth is exactly what I thought. Isn’t it funny how words can sometimes pierce our hearts in the wrong moments, yet other times they have us laughing hysterically? Maybe not so funny in the first example, but I’m noticing how words I say can affect people deeply. When things like these happen, the bible makes more sense than ever. God says all those things for a reason. It’s locking them in your heart that can be the hard part.
Anyone ever receive a half-hearted hug, or a forced smile that just made you feel like there’s something missing? I know I’ve given such hugs and such smiles and in turn I have received them. Did I mention my mind has a way of playing tricks on me? Oh yes I did. It’s Satan at his best. It’s easy for him to put thoughts of worthlessness or negative feelings in our hearts that end up being lies. I have to keep telling myself their lies. LIES.
I conjure up thoughts that only tear me down.
I want to be wanted, but I’m going about it the wrong way. I care so much about what people think of me that it drowns me inside. And when people pull away unexpectedly I sometimes search frantically for “things” I can do to make it all better. And in the end I hate myself. I’m more lonely than ever because through it all the thoughts keep coming back to me and they cease to glorify God. And there’s the problem right there. I become consumed with myself. It’s as if my soul is crying out “Love me please!” but in the most embarrassing way.
The saddest thing of all is I fail to realize that in the midst of all this confusion and self-seeking, the love and acceptance I’ve longed for all my life have always been right in front of me. I tend to find myself still screaming loudly over God’s whispers. How is He so patient with me? This thought I will never know. And when it’s all written down, and the thoughts are finally on paper, the bigger picture starts to makes sense. The half-hearted hugs and the forced smiles seem nothing when you finally see the intense love that has been prepared for you from the deepest heart of all. People aren’t so big when you’re in the presence of the living God. God is bigger. I just have to keep reminding myself that He is BIGGER.