Newlywed Revelations

Hello world. It's been awhile since I let my fingers take over this keyboard.  Been far too long. As I sit here and think about what I want to write about I find myself at a loss for words. It's funny because this morning I had paragraphs floating around in my head. Alas, at the end of the day, I remember very little about the thoughts I wanted to jot down on paper.
Figures. Sometimes I feel stupid writing my thoughts to be honest. Why would anyone care what I have to say about anything? I write so I can get all these crazy emotions out and carry on in life like a normal person. I don't think anyone is really normal though.
Right now I'm sitting next to my husband as he plays some sort of video game where they are yelling German and shooting at each other. (He says it relaxes him.) Just watching him play is stressing me out. This is why I felt like this was the best time to write. I haven't written in this blog in over year. Seems like the trend I've started for myself. So much has happened these past few years. I think my mind is struggling to grasp everything.  I'm a married woman now. Crazy to think about.  And though marriage is wonderful in so many ways, there are definitely hardships to overcome. I like to quote Maroon 5 here: "Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves is along." You don't know how right you are Adam Levine.

I think marriage is the slow and painful death of your selfishness. Now that may sound harsh, but honestly its true. I don't think I realized how truly selfish I was until Bryan and I moved in together. It may just be little things at times, but sometimes bigger issues are thrown in there. These past five months have definitely been eye opening. I find myself learning to love in ways that are hard but so fulfilling. And just when I thought Bryan and I have gone through almost everything, God surprises me with another learning experience. It is true what they say though- love grows everyday. There are some days I get so mad at him there are just no words. Then there are the other moments where I can just look at him sitting there and my heart swells with so much love I couldn't imagine life without him. Its in these moments I can feel my selfishness die a little more each day. Simply put he is my best friend. The more I see the more I love.

As far as life in general, I just want to run away sometimes. Life and responsibility are clouding my mind and sometimes I wish for the days when I still worked at Michaels part time. I really dislike my job at the bank. Yeah sure the money is better...barely. I think the thing I dislike most about it is the job itself. Selling loans and credit cards has never been my dream job. Don't get me wrong either, I am so grateful for this job. It provides for us and helped us get married last year. I know the job market has been so rough, but I am still praying for my dream job. Whatever job that maybe....ha! I'm 27 and still have a lot to figure out. Maybe I will always be a work in progress. My passions have always been all over the place. I think it's impossible for me to pick one thing. That's why I'm putting this in God's hands. I sure as heck can't figure out what to do with my life. Might as well let God take over. Its the whole being patient part that's hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and cry before work because I dread being stuck at the bank inside Walmart for years to come. I sound pretty pathetic huh? And sometimes I have to tell myself to suck it up and listen to God's voice because obviously there is a reason why I'm there.  To end this rant I would like to quote Downton Abby. Carson, the butler, but it perfectly when he said: "What would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us?"