I realized I haven't written a letter to you in quite a while. Today is the day before Thanksgiving, and it's been over three years since you left us for heaven. I still can't believe it's been three years. Sometimes I still think you're upstairs in the office playing games or doing homework. I can still hear the sound of your voice and the way you laugh in my head. When I remember your voice it soothes me. I don't think about it too much, but I never want to forget it. I start to think about you a lot when the holidays come. Christmas was our favorite time of year. We would always go search for the biggest tree on the lot! I remember you always wore those flannel shirts and that big bomber jacket around this time of year.
Last year I had a really hard time missing you. I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And maybe I always feel like that. Since you died, I've felt a piece of my heart go missing. It's just not the same without you.
I got married last year. I would have given anything for you to walk me down that aisle. I put your picture and your wedding ring on my bouquet. I wished I could have danced with you that day. I wish you could of held mom's hand and been there for her as she watched her baby girl get married. I know she misses you so much.
Life is going pretty good though. I got a job at Kaiser (yes I finally got out of Michaels!) and I feel like my life is really starting to take off. Bryan is finishing up his degree online (reminds me of you in that way) and I know soon we will get a place of our own. I think you would like the church we go to now too. It's called Sandals and Bryan and I love it. We have made some really good friends there and I think you would like the sermons.
I am really happy daddy. I have such a wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me. You would be proud of your son in law. We have a puppy, his name is Gruff. He is kind of crazy, but I think you would like him. Your daughter is finally growing up and living her life.
Thank you for always loving me. You were such a great dad to all of us. I think that's why it hurts so much not having you here. You were pretty awesome. Thank you for teaching me so much. When I have kids of my own, I can't wait to tell them about you. I know you would of made an awesome grandpa someday.
Happy Thanksgiving Daddy. I miss you always and I love you forever.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Newlywed Revelations
Hello world. It's been awhile since I let my fingers take over this keyboard. Been far too long. As I sit here and think about what I want to write about I find myself at a loss for words. It's funny because this morning I had paragraphs floating around in my head. Alas, at the end of the day, I remember very little about the thoughts I wanted to jot down on paper.
Figures. Sometimes I feel stupid writing my thoughts to be honest. Why would anyone care what I have to say about anything? I write so I can get all these crazy emotions out and carry on in life like a normal person. I don't think anyone is really normal though.
Right now I'm sitting next to my husband as he plays some sort of video game where they are yelling German and shooting at each other. (He says it relaxes him.) Just watching him play is stressing me out. This is why I felt like this was the best time to write. I haven't written in this blog in over year. Seems like the trend I've started for myself. So much has happened these past few years. I think my mind is struggling to grasp everything. I'm a married woman now. Crazy to think about. And though marriage is wonderful in so many ways, there are definitely hardships to overcome. I like to quote Maroon 5 here: "Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves is along." You don't know how right you are Adam Levine.
I think marriage is the slow and painful death of your selfishness. Now that may sound harsh, but honestly its true. I don't think I realized how truly selfish I was until Bryan and I moved in together. It may just be little things at times, but sometimes bigger issues are thrown in there. These past five months have definitely been eye opening. I find myself learning to love in ways that are hard but so fulfilling. And just when I thought Bryan and I have gone through almost everything, God surprises me with another learning experience. It is true what they say though- love grows everyday. There are some days I get so mad at him there are just no words. Then there are the other moments where I can just look at him sitting there and my heart swells with so much love I couldn't imagine life without him. Its in these moments I can feel my selfishness die a little more each day. Simply put he is my best friend. The more I see the more I love.
As far as life in general, I just want to run away sometimes. Life and responsibility are clouding my mind and sometimes I wish for the days when I still worked at Michaels part time. I really dislike my job at the bank. Yeah sure the money is better...barely. I think the thing I dislike most about it is the job itself. Selling loans and credit cards has never been my dream job. Don't get me wrong either, I am so grateful for this job. It provides for us and helped us get married last year. I know the job market has been so rough, but I am still praying for my dream job. Whatever job that maybe....ha! I'm 27 and still have a lot to figure out. Maybe I will always be a work in progress. My passions have always been all over the place. I think it's impossible for me to pick one thing. That's why I'm putting this in God's hands. I sure as heck can't figure out what to do with my life. Might as well let God take over. Its the whole being patient part that's hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and cry before work because I dread being stuck at the bank inside Walmart for years to come. I sound pretty pathetic huh? And sometimes I have to tell myself to suck it up and listen to God's voice because obviously there is a reason why I'm there. To end this rant I would like to quote Downton Abby. Carson, the butler, but it perfectly when he said: "What would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us?"
Figures. Sometimes I feel stupid writing my thoughts to be honest. Why would anyone care what I have to say about anything? I write so I can get all these crazy emotions out and carry on in life like a normal person. I don't think anyone is really normal though.
Right now I'm sitting next to my husband as he plays some sort of video game where they are yelling German and shooting at each other. (He says it relaxes him.) Just watching him play is stressing me out. This is why I felt like this was the best time to write. I haven't written in this blog in over year. Seems like the trend I've started for myself. So much has happened these past few years. I think my mind is struggling to grasp everything. I'm a married woman now. Crazy to think about. And though marriage is wonderful in so many ways, there are definitely hardships to overcome. I like to quote Maroon 5 here: "Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves is along." You don't know how right you are Adam Levine.
I think marriage is the slow and painful death of your selfishness. Now that may sound harsh, but honestly its true. I don't think I realized how truly selfish I was until Bryan and I moved in together. It may just be little things at times, but sometimes bigger issues are thrown in there. These past five months have definitely been eye opening. I find myself learning to love in ways that are hard but so fulfilling. And just when I thought Bryan and I have gone through almost everything, God surprises me with another learning experience. It is true what they say though- love grows everyday. There are some days I get so mad at him there are just no words. Then there are the other moments where I can just look at him sitting there and my heart swells with so much love I couldn't imagine life without him. Its in these moments I can feel my selfishness die a little more each day. Simply put he is my best friend. The more I see the more I love.
As far as life in general, I just want to run away sometimes. Life and responsibility are clouding my mind and sometimes I wish for the days when I still worked at Michaels part time. I really dislike my job at the bank. Yeah sure the money is better...barely. I think the thing I dislike most about it is the job itself. Selling loans and credit cards has never been my dream job. Don't get me wrong either, I am so grateful for this job. It provides for us and helped us get married last year. I know the job market has been so rough, but I am still praying for my dream job. Whatever job that maybe....ha! I'm 27 and still have a lot to figure out. Maybe I will always be a work in progress. My passions have always been all over the place. I think it's impossible for me to pick one thing. That's why I'm putting this in God's hands. I sure as heck can't figure out what to do with my life. Might as well let God take over. Its the whole being patient part that's hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and cry before work because I dread being stuck at the bank inside Walmart for years to come. I sound pretty pathetic huh? And sometimes I have to tell myself to suck it up and listen to God's voice because obviously there is a reason why I'm there. To end this rant I would like to quote Downton Abby. Carson, the butler, but it perfectly when he said: "What would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us?"
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