Tears Can Set You Free.

The sound of fans and packaging tape reach my ears this summer morning as my family and I prepare to move. Next weekend we will be leaving this house and renting a smaller one, much more fit for all our life changes. I'm excited to move in many ways, but in others I hate that time moves onward. I wish it could all just stand still for a moment, just for a moment. The atmosphere here can cut me into pieces sometimes. We've been in this house five years. I remember when my parents first bought it. They would come frequently to look at as it was being built. Its a beautiful house, with the backside facing the mountain- such privacy. My parents loved it. They finally had the big house they wanted. It was my dad's first two-story house ever. We all loved it. Now five years later we are moving, and the new house we are renting isn't as big, but its just what we need. My dad can't walk up and down those stairs anymore, and frankly I don't want to either! The stress level seems to be the only constant lately and I find myself treading to keep my head above the water.
Life is beautiful. Its beautiful and its miserable. There is so much pain, yet so much happiness. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far is to see my dad suffer. Here's a man who my whole life I've loved deeply. I see the effects of cancer in him a little more everyday and it haunts me.
But there are blessings even in the most evil of things. I've never seen such peace in my dad. I know he's in pain, but he's still that most loving and gentle man I've ever known. He has taught me so much and given me so much strength. I know my brothers and I couldn't of asked for a better man to be our dad. Even in this life-changing and often fearful time, my dad continues to amaze me with his faith and love. I wish I could take all his pain away, and make him better in an instant. And that is something I continue to struggle with everyday.
Its the tears that set me free. I can hold everything in and appear so strong- something I want to do for my mom, but after awhile you just can't hold on to all the emotion anymore. I tend to fell lonley at times, and I try to hold back the anger. In reality anger is really a hostile sadness that lashes out when you can't wrap your head around something.
Sometimes a good cry is just what you need and just what the doctor ordered. But most of all God's love is what I need, and just what I've been running from latley. I blame it all on fear.
Scratch that, I blame myself.
I may not be the most perfect person. I make mistakes, do stupid things and say stupid things. I may not be the perfect friend, and I often do things people don't understand. But I'm grateful for God's grace and love. Its the only thing that keeps me going and gives me strength <3