Dear Daddy,

I realized I haven't written a letter to you in quite a while. Today is the day before Thanksgiving, and it's been over three years since you left us for heaven. I still can't believe it's been three years. Sometimes I still think you're upstairs in the office playing games or doing homework. I can still hear the sound of your voice and the way you laugh in my head. When I remember your voice it soothes me. I don't think about it too much, but I never want to forget it. I start to think about you a lot when the holidays come. Christmas was our favorite time of year. We would always go search for the biggest tree on the lot! I remember you always wore those flannel shirts and that big bomber jacket around this time of year.

Last year I had a really hard time missing you. I felt like there was a hole in my heart. And maybe I always feel like that. Since you died, I've felt a piece of my heart go missing. It's just not the same without you.

I got married last year. I would have given anything for you to walk me down that aisle. I put your picture and your wedding ring on my bouquet. I wished I could have danced with you that day. I wish you could of held mom's hand and been there for her as she watched her baby girl get married. I know she misses you so much.

Life is going pretty good though. I got a job at Kaiser (yes I finally got out of Michaels!) and I feel like my life is really starting to take off. Bryan is finishing up his degree online (reminds me of you in that way) and I know soon we will get a place of our own. I think you would like the church we go to now too. It's called Sandals and Bryan and I love it. We have made some really good friends there and I think you would like the sermons.

I am really happy daddy. I have such a wonderful husband who loves me and takes care of me. You would be proud of your son in law. We have a puppy, his name is Gruff. He is kind of crazy, but I think you would like him. Your daughter is finally growing up and living her life.

Thank you for always loving me. You were such a great dad to all of us. I think that's why it hurts so much not having you here. You were pretty awesome. Thank you for teaching me so much. When I have kids of my own, I can't wait to tell them about you. I know you would of made an awesome grandpa someday.

Happy Thanksgiving Daddy. I miss you always and I love you forever. 

Newlywed Revelations

Hello world. It's been awhile since I let my fingers take over this keyboard.  Been far too long. As I sit here and think about what I want to write about I find myself at a loss for words. It's funny because this morning I had paragraphs floating around in my head. Alas, at the end of the day, I remember very little about the thoughts I wanted to jot down on paper.
Figures. Sometimes I feel stupid writing my thoughts to be honest. Why would anyone care what I have to say about anything? I write so I can get all these crazy emotions out and carry on in life like a normal person. I don't think anyone is really normal though.
Right now I'm sitting next to my husband as he plays some sort of video game where they are yelling German and shooting at each other. (He says it relaxes him.) Just watching him play is stressing me out. This is why I felt like this was the best time to write. I haven't written in this blog in over year. Seems like the trend I've started for myself. So much has happened these past few years. I think my mind is struggling to grasp everything.  I'm a married woman now. Crazy to think about.  And though marriage is wonderful in so many ways, there are definitely hardships to overcome. I like to quote Maroon 5 here: "Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves is along." You don't know how right you are Adam Levine.

I think marriage is the slow and painful death of your selfishness. Now that may sound harsh, but honestly its true. I don't think I realized how truly selfish I was until Bryan and I moved in together. It may just be little things at times, but sometimes bigger issues are thrown in there. These past five months have definitely been eye opening. I find myself learning to love in ways that are hard but so fulfilling. And just when I thought Bryan and I have gone through almost everything, God surprises me with another learning experience. It is true what they say though- love grows everyday. There are some days I get so mad at him there are just no words. Then there are the other moments where I can just look at him sitting there and my heart swells with so much love I couldn't imagine life without him. Its in these moments I can feel my selfishness die a little more each day. Simply put he is my best friend. The more I see the more I love.

As far as life in general, I just want to run away sometimes. Life and responsibility are clouding my mind and sometimes I wish for the days when I still worked at Michaels part time. I really dislike my job at the bank. Yeah sure the money is better...barely. I think the thing I dislike most about it is the job itself. Selling loans and credit cards has never been my dream job. Don't get me wrong either, I am so grateful for this job. It provides for us and helped us get married last year. I know the job market has been so rough, but I am still praying for my dream job. Whatever job that maybe....ha! I'm 27 and still have a lot to figure out. Maybe I will always be a work in progress. My passions have always been all over the place. I think it's impossible for me to pick one thing. That's why I'm putting this in God's hands. I sure as heck can't figure out what to do with my life. Might as well let God take over. Its the whole being patient part that's hard. Sometimes I sit in my car and cry before work because I dread being stuck at the bank inside Walmart for years to come. I sound pretty pathetic huh? And sometimes I have to tell myself to suck it up and listen to God's voice because obviously there is a reason why I'm there.  To end this rant I would like to quote Downton Abby. Carson, the butler, but it perfectly when he said: "What would be the point of living if we didn't let life change us?"

I wrote this about a year ago...Dec 2010

The gentle kindness of a friend will never be forgotten. As I sit here in my living room, I am drinking a glass of red wine, a cup of coffee and water- quite the combination for my written word adventure that I have been longing to dive into for some time now. I think back to all the things that have happened this year and the majority of my feelings are tainted with grief and sadness. I lost my father this year. It seems with the busyness of my life I have forgotten him. I forget what he looks like, the sound of his voice, his laugh. In my busiest of moments, my mind races too fast for me to even comprehend sometimes. This Christmas was a non-stop whirlwind of things to do, places to go, and things to clean. I did not stop too much to think of my father, and Christmas was his favorite holiday. Maybe that is why it did not feel like Christmas this year. The hustle-bustle of the season, not to mention working in the retail world, never gave me the moments I wanted and probably needed to sit and reflect his memory. Now that my surrounding atmosphere has become still for the first time in weeks and I am finally in the quiet, my thoughts cannot help but float to him. I see his picture on the wall and remember he had the biggest smiles that only few photos ever captured. When he laughed, and I mean laughed, it was a sound that always made me smile. His presence in this house is deeply missed. I can still hear him telling my mother we need to get the tallest tree from the lot. I can still see him sitting in that ugly green reclining chair in the living room watching his football games and always rooting for the Chargers. In my moments of reflection I find I have not forgotten my father at all. His character and his love are so real to me even now that I sometimes think he is still upstairs in his office on his computer playing games. I think about my life and where it should go from here and my mind only scatters when I try to focus these days.
I left the church I had attended for six years only two months before my father died. From the time I was eighteen to twenty four my life revolved around my dedication to God and church. I’ve always been attracted to the idea of God. Throughout my entire life I have always felt something call me toward Him. When I finally sat down and studied the bible I was blown away because I knew there was so much I was missing. I am very grateful for those who took the time to show me the scriptures. Over the past six years I’ve made many friends from this spiritual standpoint. Some friendships faded quickly, while others are still strong under fire today. I have just always had a mentality that I would never be good enough for anything. Even when I attended church I was never a strong personality. I tended to just do what certain people said. Maybe these hard times are the opportunity I need to really find out who I am. It’s just another path, leading to another journey. Maybe God is helping me find my strength through all this. Maybe I just need to pay attention more. The true measure of strength is determined in the darkest of nights while we wait for dawns first light…

B positive.

I find it funny how I claim I love to write, yet the words in my head hardly ever get written on paper. I blame it on my laziness. Yes laziness the dreaded monster in my closest, that in recent years decided to come out of the closest, sit on the bed with me and convince me to eat chocolate and watch TV all day. Well maybe its not that bad...but it could get there.

I keep thinking what happened to my dreams?!? I wanted to be somebody. I wanted to make a difference. The ideas of how to do these things never seemed to enter my brain early on.
I find myself getting discouraged looking at my life and I feel like I haven't seen any tangible accomplishments. Sure I have my bachelors degree...in Art History. Don't get me wrong I fell in love with Art. I love museums, I love paintings, sculptures, all of it. Its fascinating to me. I love how all kinds of artists in all different eras can express their social, political and personal views through a form of expression that can be observed for centuries to come. It honestly amazes me. I know what your thinking, "Well Cassie why not work at a museum?" I'll pass. I love art, but honestly I don't want to spend the rest of my life talking about paintings.

I've always had this drive to work with people. I've always loved just interacting and helping people. I've also always loved to write. Writing has just always been an escape for me, but its something I've never thought about doing professionally.

This is where I can get so frustrated because there are just so many things I love to do I feel like I can't focus on one thing! I get so flustered with trying to do one thing that I switch gears and throw my focus onto another thing and that is when my mind starts to go round in circles. It's really quite irritating.

Then the emotions come out. I start to compare myself to other people who seem to have it all together. I begin to think I'm never going to do anything special with my life and I start to sulk. This lasts for a good couple of hours until I find a new idea and the cycle starts all over. Pretty pathetic huh?

Sometimes I just want to blame someone or something for my lack of focus! But as you the reader already know, (if you even got this far through my rant) there is no one to blame but myself.

The last time I wrote in my blog was a couple months after my dad died. Its almost been a year since he died and its in time like these I miss his wisdom the most. He just always had a way of calming me down and helping me see things clearly.

It was quite a special thing that happened today. In my moment of getting down after comparing myself to numerous people on facebook (which by the way no one should ever do!) I called my boyfriend Bryan and told him about my troubles. We've experienced the same struggles in a lot of areas as far as where life has taken us, and his wise words quoted from a Disney movie really lifted my heart. Yes he quoted a Disney movie, and not just any Disney movie, but one of my all time favorites, Mulan.

He said to me, "Cassie, you might not have it all together right now but Remember what the dad said to Mulan? He said "My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, this one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all."

Maybe I'm just a late bloomer. I don't have my life figured out right now and I'm still struggling with so many passions in my head. I just thought that quote was so amazing and Bryan seemed to say it at just the right time.

What really touched my heart was remembering that in the movie it was Mulan's dad that said this to her. In my heart I thought about my dad. Maybe this was God's way of relaying my dad's message through Bryan. He knew I needed to hear his words of wisdom <3

Dear Daddy

I wanted to write you a letter because writing is one of the things I really love to do and I need to let you know what a wonderful father you have been. Its been two months since you left for heaven and I just really miss you. Those first few weeks after you died there was so much going on that I didn't feel really emotional. We moved to the new house. I never got to see the inside with you, but you and mom did a great job finding a place. I fell in love with it right away. You should see all the spiders though...I actually have to be brave and kill them myself! It's been super scary, but I'm getting more courage. You know how mom and I both HATE spiders. I miss the days where I could just call you from your office and you would be my exterminator! The dogs love it too. (And don't worry I'm taking care of your kitties.) Mom and I are still getting used to it, but it just doesn't feel as safe without you here.
Everyone has helped us out so much Daddy. You would be so proud of your sons too. Josh helped fix some things around the house when we first moved in and he still comes over when he has time to check up on us. Justin has just been really sweet too. He's been willing to help mom out every time she calls him. He's really stepped up to help in so many ways. Tricia has been wonderful by letting us use her spider spray and just getting little things we needed.
Mama has had her good days and bad days. I can tell she really misses you a lot. Well, we all miss you a lot. All your friends have been so great I know its cause you were always a loyal and good friend.
I'm still waiting for V to come on TV cause that was the show we used to watch together. I really hope they didn't cancel it. I loved sharing things with you. I really think its cause of you I like history so much. I remember in the beginning of the year you got me to watch Babylon 5 with you. I didn't really get into it, but I loved that I could watch it with you late at night. I always felt special when you asked me to do things with you. Remember when we went to that archery place and we looked at bows? Too bad we never got to set up targets in the back yard like we said.
I don't think I realize how much I miss you until I'm in the car. At the house there are distractions and at work I don't have too much time to let my mind wander. It isn't until I'm in the car that I start to remember you. I know that may sound weird, but I think I want to forget you're gone. I want to forget you were sick and that I lost you. I want to forget it all. But when I turn the radio on and I drive my thoughts just float to you. There are so many songs that come on and remind me of you. I remember just how you were so patient with me, and you always wanted to make me feel better when I was sad. I could talk to you about almost anything. There was one time, in high school, you picked me up and I was telling you I felt insecure around some other kids. I remember you told me that quote from Eleanor Roosevelt- "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I remember that to this day.
I loved talking to you about God. I know we went back and forth on a lot of things, but towards the end you taught me so much. One memory I will always cherish was right after your surgery. It was the day after and I came to visit you. As soon as I walked into the room you were excited to see me. I remember you asked me to take out the bible and read you scriptures on hope. After I read a few you asked for my hand and then mom's hand and wanted to pray. It was the first time I heard you pray in my life. I will forever love that memory. You just showed me through all this that I shouldn't be scared because God will take care of us. You were just so humble after you found out about the cancer, and I was amazed until the day you passed at how you dealt with everything. I couldn't of asked for a better man to be my father.
I wish I could of given you more. I wish I could of taken you to all the historic battle grounds and sites before you died. I wish we could of gone to Disneyland one more time. I wish we could even watch one more episode of Babylon 5. I know that I was blessed with all the time God let me have with you. I look forward to those moments in the car when I remember you, even if it does make me cry. I love you Daddy.
<3 Cassie

Tears Can Set You Free.

The sound of fans and packaging tape reach my ears this summer morning as my family and I prepare to move. Next weekend we will be leaving this house and renting a smaller one, much more fit for all our life changes. I'm excited to move in many ways, but in others I hate that time moves onward. I wish it could all just stand still for a moment, just for a moment. The atmosphere here can cut me into pieces sometimes. We've been in this house five years. I remember when my parents first bought it. They would come frequently to look at as it was being built. Its a beautiful house, with the backside facing the mountain- such privacy. My parents loved it. They finally had the big house they wanted. It was my dad's first two-story house ever. We all loved it. Now five years later we are moving, and the new house we are renting isn't as big, but its just what we need. My dad can't walk up and down those stairs anymore, and frankly I don't want to either! The stress level seems to be the only constant lately and I find myself treading to keep my head above the water.
Life is beautiful. Its beautiful and its miserable. There is so much pain, yet so much happiness. The hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life so far is to see my dad suffer. Here's a man who my whole life I've loved deeply. I see the effects of cancer in him a little more everyday and it haunts me.
But there are blessings even in the most evil of things. I've never seen such peace in my dad. I know he's in pain, but he's still that most loving and gentle man I've ever known. He has taught me so much and given me so much strength. I know my brothers and I couldn't of asked for a better man to be our dad. Even in this life-changing and often fearful time, my dad continues to amaze me with his faith and love. I wish I could take all his pain away, and make him better in an instant. And that is something I continue to struggle with everyday.
Its the tears that set me free. I can hold everything in and appear so strong- something I want to do for my mom, but after awhile you just can't hold on to all the emotion anymore. I tend to fell lonley at times, and I try to hold back the anger. In reality anger is really a hostile sadness that lashes out when you can't wrap your head around something.
Sometimes a good cry is just what you need and just what the doctor ordered. But most of all God's love is what I need, and just what I've been running from latley. I blame it all on fear.
Scratch that, I blame myself.
I may not be the most perfect person. I make mistakes, do stupid things and say stupid things. I may not be the perfect friend, and I often do things people don't understand. But I'm grateful for God's grace and love. Its the only thing that keeps me going and gives me strength <3

Love Behind the Scenes.

It’s moments like these that I realize life is so much more than problems and hard times. I realize it’s more than wondering what’s coming next or worrying about tomorrow. As I’m in the kitchen trying out my newest experiment off the food network, I gaze outside and see two people I’ve underestimated almost my entire life. They sit there on the swing looking out over our backyard as the dogs play and laze around them. Its been over twenty five years since they met and they still enjoy each others company. His hair is a little grayer and time has aged their looks, but they are still two people who changed each other’s lives. My parents worked hard all their life to give me a better future and here I sit twenty four years old- out of college still working in retail. But even though this is true I know I’m not a disappointment to them. I always thought they could have been different or our lives could have been better growing up. I had always thought that I never wanted to turn out like them. I didn’t think their lives were exciting or full of passion. But as I look out the kitchen window and see how they’ve pulled through each obstacle of life together I realize I would be darn lucky to have what they have. They both worked full time, without degrees my entire childhood and never once did I go with out anything. And as the news of my dad’s cancer hit us all back in February we all began to reexamine our lives. I can only wonder how he feels sometimes. I wonder how she feels. About a month ago, mom and I went to pick up pizzas and outside we saw this very old couple walking to their car. Both had canes and moved as fast as snails. My mother commented on them and smiled, but then she said, “I might not have my love that long.” I quickly shot down her comment, but till this day I think about those words and what our world would be like without him. And when I look at them out there on that swing I know they have something special.